Sometimes I sit and laugh at myself. I'm so eccentric, and often I feel so incoherent. Gah, even my room screams "RANDOM!" from my one wall full of maps and flags, to the bookcase stuffed with dolls, to the "art" I've posted, to the plastic Disney characters I collected as a little one.

We were talking in English today about Holden Claufield in The Catcher in the Rye. He's definitely not a linear character. You follow the exact path of his thoughts, and they jump all over the place. I kept thinking about how I think (makes me sound crazy) and if I were to sit and say every little thought that came into my head NO ONE would understand anything about me. Or maybe they would understand everything.

Either way sometimes I feel like a lunatic for over thinking everything. See even now, I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I feel "all over the place" and I guess that's not a bad thing.

Question: If someone is clinically insane. Do they realize it? Do they understand that they are not considered normal?

I know I'm not crazy. I was just wondering. :\

Yes...? I mean....only if....

Today I was thinking about my friends in "The Company". They travel SO much. It makes me wonder what I've gotten myself into. I committed my life 2 or 3 years ago to living the life of a "worker". I mean, I have these perfect dreams of being accepted right away and living this life full of adventures and empty of heartache (minus missing my family and maybe some minor traumatic incidents).

But I'm getting scared. Will I end up being heart broken every couple years? Will I end up a callused person who builds walls just so they don't have to say "good-bye" again? I surely hope not. For some reason I can't get it into my head that I may not end up in a city, or that I won't know a lick of the language. Words are so hard to comprehend. I tell myself over and over "It will NOT be easy." I NEVER really believe myself. It's absolutely frustrating. Knowing God, He's gonna send me somewhere cold, I'm gonna get really sick, and I won't have many friends. Haha Boy would THAT test me!

Maybe I've said this before. I don't look forward to change well. I never have. I freak out and build it up and it's always tons easier for me to adjust to. I know this is no different. And I know God is already before me mapping it all out. But I'm such a control freak. It's ridiculous. I hate it. I just wish. I wish I could just not care whether it's my way or not. I wish I didn't believe my way always had to be right. It doesn't have to be. I just make it that way. I know that. But I'm stubborn too. It's kinda like what Ponyboy said, "I lie to me all the time, but I never believe me." Well, I tell myself the truth all the time and I never believe me.

Third Day sang, "You are so good to me. You heal my broken heart. You are my Father in heaven. You ride upon the clouds. You lead me to the truth. You are the Spirit inside me. You poured out all your blood. You died upon the cross. You are my Jesus who loves me. You are beautiful my sweet sweet song. And I will sing again."