Here We Go Again

For the first time in years I feel haunted by my past. Haunted because I fear that I'm going to/in the midst of/kind of want to re-live it.

That last part is what scares me the worst. I find myself thinking things like:

so why was that so awful again? What about it made me feel like the walking dead and so helpless inside? Did I really feel that way? And what was so great about being freed from that? Why can't I feel that again?

I don't think it's coincidental the music which chronicles then and now.

Then: memento mori by Flyleaf

Now: New Horizons and Remember to Live by Flyleaf

You'd think maybe God is trying to tell me something. Cause He's never done that before. :)

But honestly, I feel like I don't know who He is anymore. I haven't spent time with Him for so long. And it would seem that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Perhaps the spirit isn't willing enough.

I can't decide if I want to talk it out with someone or if that will only solidify it into my brain as I think it so often does. Also, the fear that comes with the thought of speaking it is incredible.

Now this all sounds completely stupid, even to myself. 

I wish I was as strong as my sister. I wish I was as independent as her. As loving and wise. I feel so daft, like such an Amy March all the time lately. I want to be a Jo again!