Re-evaluating

I've done it again. Gone and literally made a fool of myself because of my selfishness/pettiness.

I'm so tired of this junk and extremely petty drama and impatience. So.

Now would be an excellent time to re-evaluate why I have been so petty, impatience, and involved in so much "drama" lately. Because these are all things I've been hard-pressed against.

I hate feeling like I've disappointed people, that I've given them reason to lost respect for me and that I've screwed up my testimony. It hurts my heart that I've acted so counter to the Jesus I claim to emulate.

I want to explain myself but then I feel as though I would be making excuses. And I know that if I apologize they're just going to re-iterate the thing I did that was wrong. I hate that!

Me: I'm so sorry. I know what I did was wrong and there is no excuse. Please forgive me.
Generally what happens w/ people: It's okay, but it just hurt me that etc. I really wish that you etc.

Ugh, that's just rubbing salt in the wound. Mom says I can be so hard on myself and I really do know what I did was wrong (usually) and will usually beat myself up over it. I hate having to hear them say it to. Maybe that's wrong of me, maybe I should confront things more. BUT IT'S HARD!!!

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this except that at this moment I have a pit in my stomach thinking about what I did and knowing that I now have to deal with someone else letting me know what I did and being afraid of them and that they'll hold it against me. That's prideful though.

It was wrong. And there is no excuse. And I don't want to do it again. I don't want to hurt my friends. Sometimes I give in to the pettiness sinful flesh. And I forget that my God is greater.