On that note...

I know I've missed two letters so far, but I can't find the energy to write them. I barely have enough energy to drag the covers over my head each night anymore. This has been an exceptionally hard week....and it's only Tuesday.

This morning I went to physical therapy and found out that the alignment of my hip is way more off than I was first told. And so she kinda fixed it this morning and my knees didn't hurt all morning. Until 3rd block....I was sitting in a chair and made maybe a 45 degree angle from the waist to look at something and POP! my hip popped and hurt for a bit.....from then on my knees started killing me....plus my calves from when she stretched them. It's just SOOOOOO friggin frustrating!!!! I just want to not be in pain anymore, I just want to be able to skip and sit cross-legged, and play soccer. I do not want one leg to appear shorter than the other. Or to wear tape or a brace on my knee 24/7.

Not to mention I can't do anything right in school. Apparently all I'm good for is a brain. I can't really handle anything else. I'm behind on my research paper, my vocabulary, my calculus, my senior project, applying for colleges, applying for scholarships, ironing, and cleaning my room (just to name a few).

I'm lonely, I'm tired and I miss India. I miss my mom but every time I try to talk to her I just end up getting something that comes off sounding like "well there's nothing we can do so you're just gonna have to stop doing 'this' or get over 'that'".

And what's more frustrating is that I could have sworn God was there 2 seconds ago. I mean, I know he's still there but I feel like he's just sitting next to me pointing and laughing or too concerned about everyone else. And I certainly can't talk to Sarah...I'm tired of hearing things that need to be "fixed". I don't want to focus on working with God to "fix" things....I just want to feel better.

I miss India so much. I just wanna be there right now at Sandra's Home teaching or something.

Many Missives #4

Dear Brother,

Growing up with you made me who I am today. Thank you. Haha, we've always had our ups and downs but I couldn't ask for a better brother.

You're always there for me. To teach me (even if I don't want to hear it), to protect me (even if I don't need it), and to be childish and goofy with me (even if I'm not in the mood for it). And that's only part of why I love you so much. You taught me how to be strong when I need to be and that it's okay for me to tell you when I need you. You taught me how to be bold and the wisdom of Godly friends. You love sharing with me and asking my opinion.

We may not always understand each other or get along. But I will always love you. You're my anchor in this family, I hope you know. I look up to you so much, I always have. I may not appear to listen or take your advice to heart, but I always do. Your wisdom doesn't go unnoticed or appreciate by me. It just takes time for me to process most times.

I love you brother, and I can not thank you enough for putting up with me for so long. I missed you the most when I was gone to South Asia, and I'll miss you most when I leave for college. I'm so thrilled to see the amazing man you have grown up to be. Haha, I can still remember when we were just in elementary school hanging out. I have always been beyond proud to let people know that I'm your sister, to be called "Micah's sister", or to be told I look like you. I know I can frustrate you to no end, but don't ever forget me, okay? I'm always gonna be here for you.

Sincerely,

"toothless buckwheat"

Many Missives #3

Dear "Jo March",

You've been a part of my heart since we stopped hating each other. I can't imagine growing up without you. We've seen each other through joys and heartache (lots of heartache and pain) but it was worth it to still have your hand to hold and your coffee to drink. :)

I hesitate to call you sister, even though we're practically family. It's so much deeper than that. You're a piece of my heart. Haha you can figure me out before I do, almost always. And although I'm stubborn, I love that about you. I see so much in you that I wish I was: your strength, independence, common sense, intellect, creativity, free-spirit. You know that's why I get so annoying....I'm just jealous and stubborn.

Haha, you're always right you know. Even if I convince you that you aren't. It's terribly cruel of me. There's so many things I wish I hadn't said or done. I'm sorry for hurting you so much. And I don't understand why you still don't just love me, but you actually like and miss me. I'll never understand. But I do know that I love you. You've always been the one I can depend on to tell me exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it (even if I don't listen).

We're so different, yet so alike. I love it. I think our friendship is such a miracle. And honestly, I don't know how I would have made it last summer without you. And this summer was like a celebration after returning from exile. And guess what? You were there for me to share it all with. I couldn't be more blessed to call you my dear heart-friend...my "better half," if you will. :)

I guess what I'm trying to say dear, is that, I thank God every day for having lived so much of my life with you thus far. And no matter how far apart our lives take us....you will ALWAYS be a chunk of my heart. And don't you forget it. :P

Sincerely,

"Amy March"

Many Missives #2

Dear "Sister"

It was July 9, 2010. The day I met you in that blistering hot sewing building in Dharmapuri. I was playing "the smile game" and you were one of my "victims". That lime green sari you wore was so beautiful with your caramel skin. You were so attentive throughout hearing the testimonies and the gospel. And then you jumped up to get in line for a blessing.

God only knows what brought you to me. With our scarves over our heads and a lump in my throat, I laid my hands around your shoulders and was suddenly filled with the spirit for you. My heart was broken and out came words, cries of desperation, for your salvation, for you to understand the reality of my God, Yaweh, Jesus, Savior, to be known to you and your family. That His love and glory be poured upon you and that your heart and eyes be opened to His miraculous wonder.

I ended the prayer in Jesus' name and we both looked up sobbing. We nodded and hugged (rather awkwardly at first) but oh it was worth it. So much emotion, so much holy power, in such a simple statement of words. I have to say, that must have been the best hug I've ever received. :)

Haha, and then we walked out of that cement building, tears and sweat still running down our faces, and you called me sister. SISTER, you knew me for 3 minutes and you loved me so much. But believe me, the love was definitely reciprocated.

I still pray for you. All the time. The picture we took together sits on the front of my desk and I could sit and stare at it for hours. Haha my favorite part is that we look quite a bit alike: same hair, same smile, same eyes, same style. That's such a God-thing! I wish I knew your name....maybe one day God will tell me. Maybe one day I can ask you myself. Wouldn't that be great? :)

Sometimes I wonder if you could understand any of what I prayed. I hope so. But I'm doubtful. You may never know, but I know that my prayers will be answered. It is not against God's will for you to be drawn close to Him and wrapped in His love and comfort. I still pray for you my sister, my Ankah. With ALL of God's love and blessings.

Sincerely,

"Sister"

Many Missives #1

Dear Von,

Tears come to my eyes every time I think of you. I also hate myself every time I think of you. You spent years of your life loving on me and caring for me and I don't even remember 2/3 of it. You cooked for me, tucked me in, woke me up, made me blankets, played games, danced with me, listened to me sing my lungs out, and you laughed with me. What I do remember, is you showed me Jesus. Even years before I would faintly begin to understand, you planted the seed. You told me stories, and taught me to pray, and you showed me how to worship (Jesus loves me this I know in sign language). My heart can't begin to express the love I have for you and in you, my God-Mother. I never fully understood that title until recently. And you, my dear "auntie" (as they say in India) are the epitome.

The world will look at you and say you are sick. But I have never met, and doubt I will ever meet, anyone more alive than you. Even through letters and Facebook posts I can see the light and joy of Jesus. He covers you. And everyone notices. You radiate....even over satellite connections. You are one of the most amazing examples of faith. You're words are always an encouragement.

You didn't just nurture my heart. You're love for Jesus helped nurture my family. You're my mom's best friend. Her heart sister. A true example of what Godly friendships should look like for me. You have always been there for each other. We couldn't have made it without you.

I get sick to my stomach thinking of all the letters you sent that I put aside saying I would "respond tomorrow" when tomorrow never came. All those verses you wrote down that I never bothered to look up. And then I smile remembering our time and letters from more recently. Taking silly pictures in Gatlinburg, singing in the car to retro DC Talk, heart talks on the bed, watching Caroline dance around like I used to, writing page after page of letters just to say "hi".

These are the memories that I will always cherish. I love you. But I miss you even more. I long to give you a real "big hug" instead of just typing it, to hold your hand, and look you in the eyes. But for now, the closest thing I have to pouring out my heart, is a letter. :)

Sincerely,

Your dearest "A"

Thank You Kevin....

Okay, so I was catching up on all the blogs I follow/that follow me and on Kevin Atteridg's "Something Like That" he has started posting a series of letters (he got the idea from other bloggers as well). Anyway, I got to thinking and remembered how much I love to write letters and then about all the things I have to tell people/things/places/etc. So, in the event that anyone has ever wondered about those things I think about but never say about specific things.....here goes.

Diversity: Could it be more wonderful? :)

"I once wrote a poem in which I called us Latinas 'God's brown daughters.' This poem is really a prayer of sorts, offered upward, but also, through the human-to-human channel of art, outward. It is a prayer for communication, and for respect. In it, Latin women pray 'in Spanish to an Anglo God/with a Jewish heritage,' and they are 'fervently hoping/that if not omnipotent/at least He be bilingual.'" -Judith Ortiz Cofer

Such powerful words to think about. The piece this came from is called The Myth of a Latin Woman. She talks about where the "culture clash" between Whites (Americans) and the perception of Latin Women came from. It's very convicting and thought provoking. But the last sentence especially reminded me of India. I've been thinking about it a lot again today. Just thinking about how God understands every word we say to him, no matter what language, even if we can't even get words out, he knows what we are trying to say. My favorite part of India was hearing everyone shout "Halle-lujah!" because it reminded me that no matter how different we were as believers, we all worshiped Jesus Christ and that's something we all understood.

Father, give me the eyes of a sister. As I look at the lives and hearts of my friends and peers, show me that we are related. We are all your children. I should treat them as if they were my blood family. I think that will help me to be more authentic and confident in my identity as your child. I am not just a princess, I am a daughter of the King. :)

One thing I love about my school is how culturally diverse and accepting it is. For such a small school, we have quite a large population of Indians, East Asians, Anglos, African Americans, etc. And the great part is that everyone is extremely different. We may not fully understand each other but we're all friends and we still love each other.

Haha now that I've rambled on and on.....again....I encourage you to read what I just did: "The Myth of a Latin Woman" by Judith Ortiz Cofer and "How it Feels to be Colored Me" by Zora Neale Hurston

Esu Walewah - God is so good

I've said this before. I felt more at home in South Asia than I ever have here in the states. I've never felt like I fit in so much. For some reason, my heart really misses it today. I just wanna go back so badly. I love most of everything here but it's just so different. Okay God, you're right, I know that my friends here need Jesus just as much as those who have never heard of You but I don't wanna do it. It's so hard, especially when no one at school seems like they don't want to listen to me. Sigh, you're right again....they watch me and listen to me more than I give them credit for, more than I'll ever know. But I'm screwing it up. I'm blowing my chances. I mean, I saw how Micah just jumped into a conversation about religion off the tip of his hat....why can't I see opportunities like that. Am I not looking for them? Am I not supposed to find them? I'm so confused. I need you to remind me that prayer walking the hallways is enough. I need you to remind me to leave it up to you. I'll be honest with you though.....I still would rather be overseas. But I do love your people here. I really do. And I'm trying my hardest to glorify you. You know that....

I would really love if you took me back though. Really and truly. Next summer, maybe? Please?

"For the Moments I Feel Faint"

I'm so frustrated right now. I feel stuck. And it feels like I know what the solution is but its out of my reach. Sigh. Our church is going through their annual C3 conference to promote small groups and community. The speaker Wednesday was talking about how small groups are not an option, they are necessary. And it's so true. I haven't been in a small group all summer (just cause our youth stops just about everything like that in the summer) and I miss it. I need accountability. And especially with school I feel like all my Christian partners have kinda left me out to dry. I know a lot of it is my fault too for not making an effort, but its hard. I try...I really do. And "what's her name" is always so concerned about pouring into and lifting up all these other girls, I feel abandoned. I know she's just doing what God's leading her to do but it's hard. I feel like she's not trying cause she thinks I've got all these other people...and I don't. I just feel spiritually drained. And it's not cause I'm away from God or anything....I'm just away from quality time with his people.

That's why I'm so stoked for small groups to start this week. I'm not sure anyone has any idea.

On the bright side...school is amazing. I really think God is saying that this year is the reason why He's had me at Tyner for so long....for THIS year. I've already been given SO many amazing leadership opportunities and relationships (with staff and students). It's such a blessing and terribly frightening all at the same time. But I'm excited. I had a feeling all summer that God was planning something BIG for this year. :) And now I definitely know that he is....we'll just have to wait and see what it is exactly. I'll let you know when he tells/shows me haha.