A Real Page-Turner

"It takes a long time before I get to the bottom of why I'm so upset. When I do, it's almost too mortifying to admit. All those months of taking it for granted that Peeta thought I was wonderful are over. Finally, he can see me for who I really am. Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly.
 And I hate him for it."

Sometimes I Katniss...sometimes I seem to completely identify with her. I tend to expect more than I should and I'm terribly selfish. Except it's worse, because I don't have her discipline or power or desperation, not yet. Nor have I suffered from trauma at all really.

But as I do with every single book that I read, I cannot help but try to find myself in her, the protagonist, even if I have to stretch things. With each chapter I grow more love as well as more grief for this strong yet absolutely vulnerable girl. I struggle between jealousy and desperation of her circumstances.

And I know that even though she's fictional, even though I will forget vital yet extremely subtle details from the books, and even though I'll re-watch, come to love, and then eventually remember what's missing from the movies to come... I'll always consider Katniss and the rest of her story as a friend, the same way a drive-in movie, broken soda bottle, and mustang cars always remind me of Ponyboy Curtis.

In the same way some people are moved by music, the way it conjures memories (both bitter and sweet) and moves them to feel and to act, books target something deep within my heart, especially if it's a book I share with people dear to me.

And since it's nearly 3 in the morning I am not hardly making sense, but in my mind still so distracted by the story I've just finished that only leads me to remember that Peeta was always the one who could manipulate words (and the hearts that hear) them so well.

Goodness grief, either I really need sleep, I'm am such a dork, and/or I seriously need to do something more productive and fast.

The Story

I love looking at people who I've just met and am sort of getting to know and thinking to myself, "There's a story there...and I want to hear it."

I love hearing people's stories. They're all so different, and yet so similar. I especially love the ones that don't come out eloquently but are all the more real.

My story keeps growing, it's always growing, but recently I haven't added on to its words...I need to do that, and soon. It's important to keep up with our stories.

Recently this is one of my favorite stories. It makes it so much more real to me, even as I go back and read the story verbatim from my Bible, it paints such a more vibrant picture now, with such real characters and history...and it sometimes makes me wish I was Jewish (but that's another story).

Anyway, happy weekending, and for those of you not done yet with school, happy studying. :)

Putting the Christ back into Christmas for 2011

You know how sometimes you look around think, "God, how on earth did you get me here, it's so perfect, and so beyond anything I had ever hoped for?!" Yeah...I'm there. :)

I have never recognized God's hand in so many things in my life at once.

Today Intervarsity started a 24-hour prayer service/vigil/whatever-you-wanna-call-it in our Center for Campus Ministry  (chapel) and I've been on duty awhile now, just praying and listening. It's been so marvelous. God is really showing up this week. I'm re-falling in love with Him again. Do you know the feeling?

I started reading the book of Hosea while I've been in here and I can't get over it. Not only did Christ redeem me from a life of idol whoredom, but He crowned me as His queen! He treasures and delights in me. No matter how many times I have gone back to those idols, He has always kept His covenant with me pure and undefiled.

Not only that, but God delights in others the same way. These girls that I hang out with back home and those here. I look at them and I see not a sad or frustrating human being, but a priceless treasure that is cherished and loved and desired by the God of the universe.

This among other things. Like convicting me to apologize and ask for forgiveness. And building relationships. And reminding me that I'm not deserving of His holiness. And being reminded that sometimes it's just super nice to sit at His feet and gaze into His face and listen to His voice or to dance with Him, my Jesus, my Love.

The GIFT of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the divine miracle of grace. The cost to God was the Cross of Christ. To forgive sin, while remaining a holy God, this price had to be paid. Never accept a view of the fatherhood of God if it blots out the atonement. The revealed truth of God is that without the atonement He cannot forgive— He would contradict His nature if He did. The only way we can be forgiven is by being brought back to God through the atonement of the Cross. God’s forgiveness is possible only in the supernatural realm.

Compared with the miracle of the forgiveness of sin, the experience of sanctification is small. Sanctification is simply the wonderful expression or evidence of the forgiveness of sins in a human life. But the thing that awakens the deepest fountain of gratitude in a human being is that God has forgiven his sin. Paul never got away from this. Once you realize all that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vise, constrained by the love of God.

-My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers

This is a vital part of God's nature that I all too often forget about. I forget that, although I am righteous now and holy in the eyes of my God, it wasn't always that way. I was once filthy rags that my Father couldn't even look upon, and yet, He wanted to hold me so badly that He gave Jesus as the sacrificial lamb, to be torn apart and separated from God himself. So that I could be added to the Kingdom. 

If I fail to remember the sacrifice, my faith is worth nothing. If I forget about that a price had to have been paid, then I am sorely mistaken about who my God is. I am failing to recognize that I worship a God that is so supremely holy that I am unworthy to come before Him, even by faith. My filthiness must be resolved before I can freely dance with my Father. 

This Thanksgiving, more so than ever before, I am thankful for the cross. For the debt that was paid, not merely that my chains are gone and I have found freedom, but for the means that it was accomplished. I am so loved, so humbled that the God of the universe, as indescribable as He is willingly suffered for the relationship that I still many times ignore and reject. He wanted me so badly, and there was NO other way than through pain and suffering of a sacrifice of such a perfect lamb.

I'm thankful for countless things this year, but I must remember that none of it would be here if it weren't for my Jesus, my love. So much has changed this year, but nothing is as constant as my Lord. Oh how I love His words, His presence, His gift of grace, how I love Him.

Sooner or Later

So I haven't posted in a while. And it's super late and I'm in a hyper goofy mood so this will probably be all over the place. BE FOREWARNED!

I'm not really excited about how the Bible study part of the Bible study that I was "leading" tonight went with Intervarsity. However, I am crazy excited about the wonderful friends I have there and the special worship time I had with Jesus tonight.

I miss everyone back home so badly, but I also love everyone here so much as well. I can't imagine not being here and not meeting them, I'm pretty sure I'd be nearly miserable. Praise God for His faithfulness and timing. Seriously, I'm gonna cry when they graduate. But I know that by then there will be others too.

It's weird because my heart is so light and joyful and at the same time so burdened and hurting for other people here.

Some days I feel closer to God than I've ever been, most days. And other times I feel like I've hit a wall. You know how you feel when you're at a turning point and it's either you jump in head first or take two steps back? Yeah, well I'm not even getting a running start, I don't even want to go back that much. I just want to move forward, and until then I have to press in to that wall.

So this is what I'm doing, trying to do. Surrender, love others, learn Truth. And it is so wonderful. And even if I don't feel everything all the time, I know I'm growing.

Praying for answers is hard. But that's another story, for another time. For now I must try to sleep.

Rain makes everything better.

Sometimes you just need a little Rainy Day pick-me-up.

So cuddle up with a good book, some warm coffee, and let the faux rainy day take you away. :)

Just One Would Do

You know that warm fuzzy sense of contentment and overwhelming gratitude you get when you realize that you've got that one friend who truly cares and is there whenever, especially when you're hurting? Yeah?

I need new friends.

I know it sounds selfish, and maybe it is. But it feels like I'm always the one who gives. And I don't mind that, I really don't, but I don't wanna be left alone either...

Just as the leaves change at school.

(This is what my campus looks like at the beginning of fall, this is why our school colors are orange and garnet, and why we pride ourselves at our location at the foot of the smokeys.)

Today, this week, has been a week of subconscious thinking. One of those weeks where I seem to be aware that I have a lot on my mind, but for the life of me I can't figure out or begin to articulate what it is.

I know what's going in my life, it's seems to be so much though that I don't know where or how to start. Feels like too much to journal, too much to type, something that needs to be done over an entire afternoon and lots of coffee.

Therein lies another difficulty that my mind's been facing. I feel like I've lost all my friends who used to be the ones to sit and listen to me. The ones I could sit and listen to what's going on in there lives. The ones who would encourage me and share what God is doing right now wherever they are.

For some imperfect human reason, I thought I would get more of that at Maryville, my mission field. Hah. Boy was I disillusioned. It's not that I don't have that if I need it, but it's much more my responsibility, which is a good thing. I can see how maybe God wants to grow me through that. But I'm the type of person who will internally whine about it for awhile. Something I'm trying hard not to do this time.

I don't know, even now this post is not making much sense to me. But I can't erase it. If I backspace/delete all of it, then I'll never get anywhere. And I have to start somewhere. So I'll start here, by explaining why it feels so hard for me to explain everything: because there's so much to explain and it's nothing I've done so I don't know exactly what's going on.

How does one explain how God is moving in your heart, or how you can see Him moving in the hearts' of those around you? That's something I've never been very good at. I know some people who, for the most part, are blessed with words and descriptions to paint beautiful pictures. I was always blessed with a friend who just knew what I was trying to say. And I feel like I've lost that again.

I'm so thankful for change. I thrive on it. Couldn't live without it, but it's still an adjustment. That's why there's also growth.

Everything I Know About College I Learned from the Media

The past week have been more difficult than the previous here at school, but they've also been really good.

I knew I would struggle with the reality of this world and of free-thinkers who aren't nearly as respectful as they say or think they are. But one can only be so prepared...and still, you will always hit culture shock one day or another. This came in a much different manner than I was expecting, which has been a wonderful learning experience.

In high school, it seemed as if most everyone claimed Christianity, and maybe it was because it wasn't discussed as much, but that is definitely not the case here. Now I knew that, I wasn't naive enough to think that the south is full of Bible-believers.

The thing is though that in high school, everyone respected everyone else's values. Now it is likely that it's just because it's a small school, number 1, and number 2, Tyner has always sort of been the exception to the rule in that we are a family in many ways. But I've been surprised by the disrespect not of my religion, but of myself in general. I know this sounds stupid and sheltered, but I was sheltered.

For some reason, I had this apparently grandiose idea that college was this place of the exchange of ideas....well, turns out it's just the boasting of one's ideas...no matter how ridiculous or loud and obnoxious they are.

Therefore, so far I've been content to sit and listen as I try to figure out what each person is about (cause that's what I do, creep and analyze like that). That is, until recently when I've began to see that I just can't take it anymore. I have to speak up because I just get so darn frustrated. And then I have that feeling like I'm doing the same thing they are doing by boasting of all their marvelous ideas and philosophies. But I know that I'm called to speak truth as well. It's nearly a catch 22...more like a thin line that I'm praying to be defined.

But I love this experience. It's been hard, but I know that God is building endurance within my spirit. It's something He showed me this summer in ATL, I've shared this before. While trekking up Stone Mountain (one of the most strenuous things I've ever done, the straight up part is killer, especially when you're out of shape) and on the way down while meditating on different things, it finally "clicked" in my heart what the verses that talk about "finishing strong" and circumstances that "build endurance" mean: it's God way of building our muscles, spiritual strength training. So that when we face another obstacle that is similar and/or more difficult, we will have experience and will have learned valuable lessons that we must now choose to apply and therefore, grow even further in faith and trust and righteousness.

And I'm so thankful for God's perfect timing. Because I learned that lesson this summer, it is still fresh in my mind and I am able to apply it easier right here at school as I begin to face some of the most difficult situations I've ever faced before. It's not too strenuous yet, but I know that God is using these college years to form the basic shape of what He wants my future to look like, He is going to shave down the major bulges and all the excess clay from the (as of now) square block, so that when the time comes for me to leave and to serve overseas I will look much more similar to Him, my Jesus. :)

Isaiah 64:8 
"But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand."

Romans 9:21
"Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?"

Raging War

"God I want to dream again, take me where I've never been. I want to go there, this time I'm not scared. Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable. Nothing can touch me, nothing can stop me."

Unbreakable by: Fireflight. (emphasis added)

The Perfect Fit

I have been here at MC exactly one week and a day. It already feels like home. I'm beginning to get connected to those outside of my orientation friends, which is very good for me. I'm one who needs balance and change (odd mixture I know).

Let's see, I almost don't know where to start it's been so crazy around here.

I might be getting a job at the school post office which would be a huge answer to prayer! Not to mention it would also be following in my sister's footsteps yet again. :) I've had experience sorting mail and working in an office before but it would still be a lot of learning. It's a good thing I love to learn I suppose.

I'm meeting lots of new people.

I made myself go to Intervarsity's "Hard Questions" lunch they have together every Wednesday and I knew one person but not very well. I know quite a few now, one even from Chattanooga, and I'm so thankful. After spending just about an hour with them I can tell that this is the type strong Christian community I've been craving for so long. As soon as I got there, they introduced themselves, and me, and then just treated me like I'd been there all along. I love that. Makes me feel right at home, like no formalities are needed, comfortable. I'm going hiking with them tomorrow and hopefully I'll be back early enough Monday night to make it to the Bible Study they have.

This week I also went to my first Voices of Praise meeting. VOP is MC's gospel choir. And I knew a lot of the students already involved with that because they came to Tyner last year and sang for us. And consequently, Onyeka, the president and one of my RA's, recruited me before I was 100% sure I was coming to Maryville. Being able to worship freely is also something I was nervous about not being able to find on campus. GOD IS SO GOOD!

Right now I'm praying that Jesus shows me the group of people or the area that He wants me to specifically intercede for and love on and serve. Basically I'm asking for direction as far as my ministry here. Because I know that Father didn't bring me here just to take in all the clubs and stuff. He's filling me up so that He can pour me out.

That's my heart's cry for now: Lord, fill me up and pour me out. Pour me out and fill me. Over and over and over.

Some days are still hard. Not constantly having that Christian fellowship. It can make it harder to "press in" and really recklessly abandon yourself and seek His face. But I'm trying to remind myself to take time away from people and spend time with the love of my life. I so badly want to fall more in love with Jesus throughout college. I don't want to be a part of the statistics. I need Him, and I'm going to choose Him.

Some days are hard because I am hurting for those back home who I know are hurting and am not there as I usually am to comfort them. But I asked God to teach me about interceding for others and this is another chapter in that lesson. So I'm learning. Let me know in the comments below if there's anything I can be praying for. It's also an important way for me to remain connected with those back in Chattanooga and elsewhere.

I love all of you. Thank you for all of your cards and texts and hugs before I left and while I've been here. I'm excited about this year because I know that I will grow tremendously with the Father and it's only building endurance for the race ahead of me. :)

Blessings and Peace be with you. Love you!

Feel it in your Bones

God's been teaching me a lot about intercession recently. And so far at my time at Maryville College I can see why.

We have what's called an orientation group which is basically a small group for people to get to know each some people and get acclimated to the school.

One of the first days we met we went around and shared what we wanted out of college. It broke my heart to hear one guy say: "My whole life I've pretty much had a good direction. I came to college to get lost."

Today we were just playing around and saying what 3 things we would wish for and another guy said: "I would wish to know what Real Faith or what God is."

I know that those two men and the other people that God has blessed me with getting to know are so completely ordained by God and that He has big plans for me these four years and is molding not only the hearts of those on my campus, but also my own heart. My Jesus is using this difficult time to pull me into His arms and I love that. I'm beginning to understand how to lean on Him even when I'm hurting and really don't understand what's going on. I love Jesus so much more than I ever thought I could. It's crazy to see how much I've grown. Seriously, every time I think about it it blows my mind.

I don't know exactly what God has planned this year, but it's going to be big. I can feel it in my bones.

The Freshman 15

The Freshman 15

15 ways to glorify God and to take full advantage of my college career.

Via @WilkyWilkinson on Twitter

Dear Gilbert

Here is a list of things you must know about me before you ask my father/brothers for permission to court and/or take my hand in marriage:

• Once I get a car I will have one of those Forever Bluegrass stickers on the bumper.
• My favorite animal is a dragon.
• My favorite color is navy blue.
• I compare my life to absolutely every book that I read (whether it is applicable or not).
• I don't accept compliments very well, but I'm good at taking insults as compliments (no, you cannot insult me in hopes of complimenting me).
• You better like to travel and learn languages and adapt to different cultures...jus sayin.
• I hope you like to color with crayons and the fat washable markers.
• My dream job is to be Wendy from Peter Pan while she's in Never Never Land.
• I am NOT fan of the beach. However, I love waves, wind, and sticking my feet in sand.
• I love change.
• You better like to read....or else.

And of course there's all the other important stuff, but this is the goofy me that you need to be aware of before I scare you away.

Sincerely,

Allie

Winds of Change: A Piece of my Testimony

I need to move more often. My room hasn't been this clean since we moved into this house almost 5 years ago.

I've said it before, but I'm a creature of change. As much as it scares me and sometimes I don't want to do it. I need it, I thrive on it, and I get restless when I don't have it.

I'm not yet sure why God created me this way, but I'm so glad He did.

If I didn't have change so frequently, I wouldn't have so many ministry blessings, like my middle schoolers, or the title of Miss Tyner, or Maryville.

If I didn't have change I wouldn't have gotten to know the most amazing God so intimately.

It was the change from elementary school to middle school when I figured out that God is real.

It was in the transition from middle school to high school when I realized the importance and the joy that is reading the Bible daily.

It was the change of relationships all throughout high school that God showed me that He is my constant, and the only friend that I can't live without.

And it has been this year of change (2011) that I'm confidently coming into my identity in Christ and what that means for my past, present, and future. I'm learning how to live a life of righteousness and praise and what faith and grace truly mean.

I can't live without change. I never want to become complacent. I never want to feel "comfortable" because that's when I become ignorant, selfish, and lazy. And I hate that feeling whenever I look back at it.

I've always always dreamed of accomplishing something beyond great with my life. And I can't be a worthy vessel unless I am pliable surrendered to the constant molding of my Potter.

Bloom Where You're Planted

"For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise
to sprout up before all the nations."

-Isaiah 61:11 (ESV)

My purpose in life, the reason I'm here, is to be "righteousness and praise," as planted by "the Lord God."

The Great Gardner knows what He's doing. And if I refuse to grow into His tending, or if I choose to grow in spite of His tending, than I am no more productive than a weed among the roses.

Wanderlust, Gypsy Heart, Jet-setter, Or whatever you wanna call it...

This pic is thanks to a fellow tumblr.

I don't know about you but even if I didn't already, this picture would make me want to travel the world....and upon further inspection, I do believe that map is upside down. ;)

Happy Sunday.

Your Highness is Among the Lowest

This song reminds me of my friends at Church on the Street, and those working in the slums and Sandra's Home in India, and all of my friends here who are going off to college with hearts set on missions.

Mr. Good Intentions, too much I wanna do
My mouth just keeps a running, but I never follow through
I heard that true religion, is love with hands and feet
I wanna find my own way to reach a world in need
Yeah, I've been captured by the unimportant
Locked in, and now it's time to break free

Chorus
There's more to life
Open my eyes
Someone is needing You
So I gotta make a move
What good are words
When this world hurts
Real faith will come through
When I make a move

We don't need permission, to go outside of these doors
And dream some crazy dream no one else has dreamed before
To show love and compassion
Wherever we may be
To put faith into action, do more than just believe
We are hope to those who have been broken
We were made to make a difference

Chorus
There's more to life
Open my eyes
Someone is needing You
So I gotta make a move
What good are words
When this world hurts
Real faith will come through
When I make a move

Up Front Apology for a Moment of seemingly ADD

It's been a good while since I've really posted. That makes me nervous. Because I journal and post the most when I'm really tuned into God and what He is showing and teaching me. So when I don't...I realize that I'm not spending enough time with Him as I would like, as I need.

Anyway, I'm still learning from Him. I'm not going to give up just because I've gone nearly a month without spending the day with my Jesus. Nope, He's reminding me to Start Now (remember that post?) And He's still molding my heart into a heart full of passion for prayer and intercession.

And I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about school. Nervous and vaguely excited. Overall just trying not to think about it so that I don't stress/freak out...which is not healthy either. I don't know. I'm excited for IVCF (Intervarsity Christian Fellowship) and for the friends that I will make there, knowing that we will have stuff in common. I so badly can't wait for those God-fearing/loving relationships.

And I'm semi-excited about my classes, also nervous. It's going to be a lot of work and it's not like I can't do it. But it still makes me nervous. I guess because I've never had to try hard at all...like ever. I'm mainly afraid that I won't have the discipline that college requires as far as studying goes.

I'm really not thinking about my roommate. I just don't know what to expect and I'd rather not let my imagination get the best of me...again.

And I've been to busy to think about college anyway. I'm still working and packing and cleaning and being over all exhausted.

That's a major fear-factor too right now: I'm just always exhausted. And it's not like I don't try to get sleep or anything. I really don't want to enter college as a zombie and I don't want to become one once I get there either.

I realize that many if not all of these fears would subside quickly if only I gave them up to Jesus and talked to Him about it more. I am excited about college...I promise. But it's also daunting. Right now, I'm learning how to live with Open Hands.

Lord give me a burden for my kids. I don't want to question a career in education. It's what I was born to do. But I want to be able to do it well. Give me your heart for the kids.

Lifelong Lessons

This year started out as a year of humility. So far, there have been many revelations about what the word "humility" really means and looks like. Especially in Atlanta and while continuing to get to know my middle schoolers.

And recently there's been a new chapter of humility that I'm beginning to learn. A vital part. I know it sounds crazy, it's one of the fundamentals of Christianity. But right now I'm learning how to pray.

On a mission trip to CT the summer of 8th grade was when I really learned that prayer was a constant conversation. Just me talking to God as if He was someone on my shoulder or something. Just talking.

In India I learned how to pray with power and authority. We have the authority to bind evil because we are one with Christ.

At camp and in Atlanta God taught many of us how to pray with expectancy. Pray and believe that God will answer. Because He sure is mighty enough to do it and He is faithful enough to do it.

And that brings me to what I'm learning as of now. This is a different kind of prayer. It sort of culminates everything while revealing new truths. Father is showing me how to pray for others.

I've always been so proud of my mom. She's been my picture of a prayer warrior, and she is a mighty one. But me, I always left it up to her to desperately pray for others. Not anymore. God is stretching my heart and putting words in it to pray for others. Using all the tools listed above to help me understand the purpose and the importance of it.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Praying. Interceding for others. Someone recently told me that God's given me a gift to see bigger pictures and that one reason is so that I can pray for others when they don't see it. So that's what I've resolved to do.

My Lord has placed so many people in my life that He wants me to pray for. And I want to. Because I want them to "get it" so badly.

I'm praying.

Beautiful Things

Tonight God's reminding me that although I am a treasured vessel, I am still broken and will continue to need my Father's gentle hand to comfort and mold me into a new and whole creation.

And He created us to cry and need comfort and love. If we didn't need it, how would we know how to give it? Love...hm...it's a fascinating subject.

Wonder Bread or Hearty Meat

Today I feel like Esther. I've felt like her plenty of times before, but this is different.

I'm blown away by blessings. I feel loved. Because my King picked me. He chose me. He trusts me with his work here on earth. He loves me so much that He wants to use me. He wants to see me do great things. He's put me here, and in a position of leadership so He can point to me and say, "That's my girl."

So it's like Esther. She went to her king and pleaded on behalf of her people. But even before that, he trusted her. He loved her. He wanted her to do great things. And even before that, her heavenly King had already done the same thing in her life.

It's frightening, but I find solace in the truth that I've already won. No matter what I do from here on out, God's plan cannot fail. He's already succeeded. It's done already. I'm just an empty vessel being filled and poured out to quench the thirst of His beloved people. So really, I have absolutely no reason to be scared. It may be awkward, and I may stumble, but God's still got his hands wrapped around this clay jar.

So I challenge you today to do something courageous. Go after the meat, go after something more. Step up to the throne and Do Something.

Manifesto

This is definitely my favorite song at the moment. Every time I listen to it I get chills and want to jump up and down.

There's just something so very powerful and thrilling about a group of believers declaring truth and being in agreement with one another. And music is already a powerful tool in and of itself, so when it's coupled with praising God just for who He is....it always always blows my socks off.

Plus his voice and the music itself is just plum amazing.

In the Smokey Foothills

I wonder if my roommate will mind me singing along while I blast my bluegrass. I love me some sweet mandolin, banjo, and guitar...and Chris Thile helps a lot too. :)

That's Not Normal

A lot of times, I don't fit in. And I'm okay with that. In fact, it's pretty much all that I've eve known. I grew up as the dreamer of the family, always dancing around in my own little world. At school I was the minority, the token white kid/brainiac from 6th-12th grades. Even at church I was somehow always so different from the home-schoolers and private school kids and even the other public school kids (maybe I wasn't southern enough yet :)

Now, I'm even more different from them...it's something deep inside of me. This longing to be apart of something more, something bigger. This inherent knowledge that I'm meant for more, that I come from something greater. I'm not from around here. And I can finally put words to it: I am in this world, but I am not of it. It's hard for me to connect with this world because I think differently, I have a new life that is different.

I've always prided myself on being different. I never wanted to be like everyone else. Sure I wanted to be popular or rich or famous at times but still...I always liked my quirks.

As I grow up and begin to understand what all my quirks entail and what it truly means to be different (and the baggage that can easily be picked up with it) the more I long to embrace it.

The more I fall in love with Jesus and see how different He is. The more I long to be different with Him, like Him. And the more it is that I notice my difference.

But being different can get lonely. Nerd moment: It's like that scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when Harry is talking to Luna and she says something like. "If I were you-know-who I would want you to feel all alone, because if it's just you then you're not as much of a threat."

But I'm not alone. I have friends who feel the same way a lot of the time. And although I may not see them as often as I would like, that's because we're all out doing our jobs in this world...and it is beautiful work to behold. One of these friends once told me, "We can't make a difference unless we're different." And I have never forgotten that.

So yes, I want to be different. I will always be different. But I will never be alone. And the cool part is that us "foreigners" can always spot out others like us...and we're attracted to them, we gravitate towards those relationships because we crave to be around those similarities within us. That way we're never alone.

My hope and prayer is that through being different, I make a difference.

A Grateful Wife

Today in our weekly high school bible study we went around and each shared "our story" or testimony. There were only 8 of us.

About halfway through the third one I remembered something that was said in Atlanta about the friends we were meeting. They have broken relationships.

And that is something we all have in common...we all have broken relationships.

And like an epiphany (although it's rather obvious) that our broken relationships stem from our broken relationship with God. We can't ever imagine to have whole relationships in this world unless our relationship with God is made right. And unless we accept His sacrifice, we refuse to fix the relationship.

I'm beginning to see that in my own life. As I start to draw closer to Father and He mends my heart, my relationship with my family and friends is mended as well, and new relationships are formed...righteous ones that are healthy and whole.

Each and every person's testimony, I believe, will not only contain a broken relationship with Father, but with other people as well.

It gives me a whole new perspective on how and why people respond the way they do to life.

This is a lesson that must be remembered and relearned as I live a life of constant missions. I can already tell you that. This is the core of Christ's ministry...He came to heal the brokenness and to fill the emptiness with His presence, through a relationship and intimacy with Him and Father.

It's no wonder I love people. It's not wonder I feel so deeply for them when they hurt. Because I've been there...we all have. We all know the pain of loneliness, neglect, betrayal. We all crave that perfect relationship and are wounded when it's not there.

I'm rambling, I've had a rather large cup of coffee tonight...so thanks if you're still reading. This is just some stuff I was thinking about today and journaling through. Thinking about my "before and after" and it's a life I never imagined I would live. But I'm also at a point I never dreamed I would make it to. (that probably doesn't make sense, and that's okay) I'm reminded of the verse Isaiah 54:5-6. Please go read it...right now...in ESV (cause that's where I know the words match this post ha).

I just can't get over how good, how big, how (no words at all) my God is...He never ceases to make my heart burst with smiles.

Again, I'm rambling...but He's so worth every word. :) Love Him.

Musings from a Teacher

“Facing this stuff in real life is not like school. In school, if you make a mistake you can just try again tomorrow, but out there, when you’re a second away from being murdered or watching a friend die right before your eyes… you don’t know what that’s like.”

This quote tugs on my heart so badly. I went to high school with a lot of kids who dealt with unimaginable things on a day to day basis. We also had a pretty large gang affiliation for a school with only 600 kids.

So this quotation means a lot to me. It reminds me how hard it is for some people to learn academics, it's not that they don't want to...but maybe in the context of survival it's not at the top of the priority list. And why should it be?

Why do teachers say "you'll use this later in life" when they have no idea what the child will be doing "later in life"?

There has to be more than just facts taught in school. That's always been my goal. I don't just want to "teach," I want to build relationships and love and be Jesus for these kids all while talking and sharing about what I'm good at, what gets me excited. I don't know about you but that sounds like a dream job to me.

I was told this year that I will never have a greater impact on the world than while I'm in high school. So why not be in school for the rest of my life?

This may not make much sense, it's a lot of rambling. So if you're still reading and comprehending...I thank you.

What I'm really trying to say is that I have to keep in mind that you never know what someone is going through. And that teachers see their kids ever single day for hours at a time. That's a lot of possible seed-planting and Jesus-loving.

But we'll see what the future holds. Whatever it is...it's gonna be crazy wicked awesome. :)

Start Now

This morning I kept asking myself: Why didn't I do more? Why wasn't I pursuing Christ in high school with passion?

I still can't answer that question, and if I ever tried I'd just be making something up. I was so frustrated with myself for all the lost time. High schoolers are some of the most powerful, empowered people with the most opportunities. And I wasted 3 years on myself, reaching for my goals (sometimes rebelling against them). And now I look at all that I had and say to myself "why didn't I take advantage? I could have done so many wonderful things for the Kingdom."

And Jesus keeps laying these two simple words on my heart: Start Now. I have to do something about it now. If I keep living in my regrets I'll miss out on each new season that comes.

I'm encouraged to take what I learned in living an ungodly life in high school and transforming it into my college life.

God didn't want me to hurt or my heart to break or emptiness to consume me the way it did, but he can use those scars to relate to people I'm going to meet. He's already told me that my story is going to be powerful in how I relate and respond to other people.

I also have to take into consideration what I learned in Atlanta: People are people, priceless children of God, not objects to be fixed or helped with my "Christian charity" but to be loved and told they're valued through true humility.

Anyway, that's how God moved my heart this morning. He continues to mold me for college and what lies beyond. I praise Him for having brought me so far. It blows my mind. He never ceases to amaze me. Love it.

Something Beautiful

Today is a day for reading, and coffee, and listening to Needtobreathe.

Thanks to the beautiful Miss Natalie Lloyd. I finally recieved The Invention of Hugo Cabret in the mail yesterday along with Do Hard things by the Harris brothers. But I decided to read the former first. :)

And it is beyond magical. I haven't fallen this in love with a book since...since...the first time I read C.S. Lewis' A Horse and His Boy or S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders. This does not mean that it's my new favorite, but it's certainly one I'm never getting rid of either.

I'm only in chapter 7 but this one sentence broke my heart. It said: He missed being read to. Every time I even say that in my head I want to sigh out loud. Maybe it's because I love reading so much, or because I love learning, or because I love teaching. But I hate to imagine a child not being read to, especially one who longs for it. Reading teaches you countless things in ways that no person can.

Therefore, whenever I become a teacher, no matter how old the kids that I'm teaching are, there will be reading aloud. By me or by themselves. There's nothing that makes me feel so confidant and intelligent than reading aloud, even if I mess up, even if it's just to myself. I love it.

This is part of what makes me different. Someone told me not to long ago (someone very dear to me) "when I first saw you I didn't think you were from around here, and then you came back from India and so you wore all those clothes and you just looked like you were foreign, from another country. You don't look like you're from here."

That is quite possibly the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me, ever. God's given me this wanderlust and a desire to be different, ever since I was born.

It makes me giggle. Jesus, you're so creative. I can just see Him saying something like "well, she's going to look Greek, but she'll have an Indian head bobble, and a southern accent, and she'll dress like she lives in Europe and she'll travel the world learning all sorts of things...just for me."

And all that came from one sentence from Hugo Cabret. (He's my new friend).

Rocky Top seems so far away

I'm beginning to get really excited about college. It's going to be a 4 year mission trip. Of course I'm going to have a grand time learning and making new friends and experiencing God in ways I've never dreamed of. But the Father's really laid it on my heart to declare freedom over my campus. He's opening my eyes to lots of bondage including religion and misconceptions of love.

Maryville is a campus that is proud of its compassion for the world around them, emphasis on the world. They are right in loving and serving, but they also believe in tolerance. It breaks my heart. I have this image of the campus full of joy and light and seeing people who step foot on it immediately knowing it's different from the world. Isn't that lovely? No, it's wonderful, captivating, exhilarating to imagine! I'm so excited to see it start happening.

I got my roommate assignment two days ago. And already I'm beginning to love her (despite what Nick might say). I'm praying her heart is open to someone like me...I'm a little different in case you didn't know haha.

I'm so ready to learn and grow. I know it's going to be hard though.

God showed me another metaphor:

I feel as though I'm at the foot of a mountain (also Maryville sits at the foot of The Great Smokey Mountains, no irony there). So I'm staring up at these mountains and I know that I have to climb them, in fact, my feet are itching to get started. Because once I get to the top I will look out over the nations (hopefully India) and speak truth and love and then I will travel DOWN the mountain (scary thought) and venture into the next season of my journey. And as I look up to this mountain that is still without a peak, I can't help but meditate over Isaiah 52:11-12

"Deport, deport, go from there; touch no unclean thing; go out from the midst of her; purify yourselves, you who bear the vessels of the Lord. For you shall not go out in haste, and you shall not go in flight, for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard."

How thrilling is that?!

Therefore, I continue to stand in authority, after girding myself with the perfect armor of God Ephesians 6:10-20. I arise and take my place, ready to charge the gates of hell as a daughter of the King, the bride of Christ, a saint of the Lord of Hosts.

Preparing with a Purpose

We recited this Faith Declaration in the mornings in at Rescue Atlanta. It just reaffirms how powerful words are and the importance of starting your days off with a renewed mind.

Today is a good day

Today is a beautiful day

Today is a happy day

Today is a peaceful day

Today is a blessed day

Today is a God day

God made it for me

I will rejoice and be glad in it

I am the head and not the tail

I am the above and not beneath

I am going over and not going under

God did not bring me this far to let me down

God did not bring me this far to let me drown

I am going to the other side

I am going to be a strong finisher

I know how to blow the charge

I don't know how to blow the retreat

Retreat is not an option

If God be for me, who can be againt me?

NOBODY

Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world

Today is a good day

Today is a great day

Today is a happy day

I have choices to make today

I can be sad

I can be mad

Or I can be glad

I CHOOSE to be glad

Happiness is a choice

I CHOOSE to be happy

The joy of the Lord is my strength

And today is the happiest day of my life

Today is a good day

Today is a beautiful day

I can do what God says I can do

I can go where God says I can go

I can say what God says I can say

I can have what God says I can have

I can be what God says I can be

I can start what God says I can start

I can finish what God says I can finish

I can buy what God says I can buy

I can give what God says I can give

I can live where God says I can live

I can drive where God says I can drive

I can meet who God says I can meet

I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me

Today is a good day

God is setting things up for me today

Divine appointments

Divine connections

Holy Ghost set ups

My steps are ordered by the Lord

New seasons

New opportunities

New relationships

New friends

New health

New wealth

New Prosperity

New appointments

New Dreams

New visions

New rhythm

New cities

New nations

New beginnings

Today is a good day

Blessed day

Happy day

All is well

All is well in my family

All is well in my health

All is well in my emotions

All is well in my job

All is well in my ministry

All is well in my city

All is well in my country

All is well in my president

All is well

TGI- Thank God it's (whatever day it is)

I miss being Atlanta. I think it's almost a harder transition than coming back from India, but that's because I'm not able to forget the hurt of my friends in Atlanta as easily. I still see people on the street every day and I'm reminded of those I met and the struggles that they go through. It's an eye-opener for sure. A tool for God to open your heart to the plight of even more of His people. Isaiah 49:8-18

Rabbit In a Log

I'm an introvert. I love public speaking and watching people. But I need my alone time quite often just to recharge. For some reason I find it ironic. I used to think I was an extrovert just because I love people so much but I really like being alone too and would almost be content to be by myself for most of the time. But God's got other plans. :)

This is one characteristic about myself that I just adore. A lot of times it's lonely and I feel like I don't have any/many friends. But that's when God reminds me that it's a good thing I'm an introvert because otherwise I would never get any/much alone time with Him. It's in the moments that I'm alone and thinking that Jesus teaches me things about myself or those around me or both.

Time alone can also get me into trouble if I'm not careful. Sometimes being left alone with my thoughts is a terrible thing and I let the enemy get to me.

Short post today, I was just thinking and had to type it out. Maybe more later tonight.

Dancing Bears, Painted Wings

Coming home to a quiet house. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's like in the Disney movie Anastasia where she re-enters the palace and sees the memory of all the dancers in the ballroom. Except, all my family is still alive, just gone their separate ways.

If I were a writer, I'd put a poem here. But alas, I'm a reader and philosopher...of sorts. Call me a thinker that can't translate thoughts well. Guess that's why I'm a teacher.

Now I'm just rambling.

It just takes some adjusting. I'm in one of my "introvert" moods. Except that I'll be around lots of people for quite some time.

Strength Training

Oh my goodness, where do I start? The past week/month has been a blur of amazing things. Heads up for a super long post... Sorry in advance. But pictures will be provided to ease the pain. ;)

First off, I'm interning with Kelly, the middle school director at church, so I've been hanging out with my middle schoolers all summer so far. Which you read about in my camp posts. Anyway, this past week I went down to Atlanta, GA with them to work with Church on the Street, a ministry that gets to know the homeless and other "vulnerable neighbors" with no agenda other than building friendships with them. It was life-changing in ways that traveling to India never could be.

This is our team the first day actually in Atlanta. We began our day by climbing Stone Mountain and directing our thoughts for the rest of the week. It was so hard but so good. We began to bond and encourage one another. As we walked down Pastor Andy, the head of COTS, told us to meditate on what God wanted to tell us and to get ourselves right with each other and with Him so that we could be efficient servants.

During that walk Jesus shared many things with me, but one idea in particular was the idea of endurance. Walking down Father told me, "you know if you did this again it would get easier, that's why I'm throwing all this stuff at you: Consider it a great joy whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." That means He's got something big planned for me. :) He's getting me ready for a hurricane of awesomeness.

Two weeks ago at camp when God told me I was going back to India I knew I was no where near ready. I would crumble if I left any time soon. So I prayed for the Lord to equip me and to strengthen me for the journey. Haha God really does answer prayers quickly when He wants to.
I know that on this trip God gave me skills that I will take with me overseas, and that through my sister moving, along with myself moving to college, that God is giving me even more tools for my future.

And that was only the FIRST day. :)

The second day we worked at a local shelter. Well, we tried to and God had other plans for our group. We started out on the rooftop garden listening to Clarence go on and on about how proud he was of his garden. It was so inspiring and his excitement for its growth was certainly contagious. But because of a lack of supplies there wasn't much we could do up there. So we all went downstairs to check out the art gallery where men paint wonderful masterpieces and get half of the profit of their sale.

This man in the picture is James. He was such a joy to listen to (many times once we started a conversation they would go on and on and that was just fine with us). But James shared with us about how he loves to read philosophy. He shared about the social injustices that he paints into his work and how strongly he feels about abortion, disrespect, the ten commandments within the government, the younger generation (us) and countless other topics.

Not to mention that his paintings were mind-blowing. He showed us a couple triptychs that he's done along with other work. James told us that he used to paint mainly realism but that he doesn't anymore. He prefers to look at art and see the object from the perspective of the artist rather than what it is in actuality. We saw him again two days later and got to actually watch him paint some on what he calls "Attending the Magnolia" (it's the one in the picture above). I told everyone if I had a couple grand I would have laid it down then for that picture, it moved me that much.

And that was only the Second Day!

The third morning we walked the beltline. It's this large area where thousands of homeless and runaways lived in forts they built. The picture above is the last fort still standing. The government has kicked out all those men and women and is paving over the area. Thousands...thousands of people living on a long strip of land, under bridges, and inside forts.

We were standing under a bridge as Big Jon told us this and I had a vision of myself living on the beltline. It was crowded and loud and pretty scary.

We walked about 6 or 7 miles in that one morning. And one of the interns, Jenny, reminded us later that it was another "homeless walk" (we took two that week) to open our eyes to what these people have to go through every day. She said we knew that around a certain time we would get lunch and that we would eventually get back to the vans. But the people out there have no agenda, no schedule, no certainty.

That evening we headed out to a low-income area to hang out with kids at a block party. We threw out balls and chalk and let them have at it. The girls were fully content to sit and play with all our hair for two or three hours. These kids were so precious, and definitely starving for attention. They loved pictures and piggy back rides and squirting us with water. I assume that they would normally get yelled at for doing something like that but we didn't mind getting wet.

Some of the kids shared a little bit of their stories with some of us and it was yet another reminder to me that we have no idea what those around us are dealing with or what they go/have gone through. And that God doesn't want us to find a solution, He wants us to build a relationship.

Pastor Andy explained it by saying that if you're friends with someone they tell you what they need, you share with each other what's going on and if you can help your friend you will. It's the exact same thing, so many people try to give the homeless or other people what they thinkthese people need when they haven't taken the time to get to know them.

The Christian life is one that revolves around Community. And community means living lifetogether. That means you are living with the homeless, sharing their lives with them. Going out and hanging with them and talking and generally being friends with them, and everyone for that matter.

And that was just Day Three!

Friday, Day 4, we had a picnic and invited all our new friends and those we encountered on our way. The whole time I ended up talking to this beauty. Her name is Jennifer and she's from Connecticut.

She just shared with me her story of getting on the streets and some about her family and how she was addicted to drugs and alcohol and how God brought her out of that terrible lifestyle. I told her a little bit about who I am.

Through talking to her I was able to hear how she got to shower on Sundays at a church so I offered her a hygiene pack I had. After we finished eating I used some of my germ-x and offered her some. She got really excited and so I gave her that too. But it wasn't some big act of generosity, to me it was the equivalent of picking up your friend's tab when you go out to lunch together.

Now that's how we should love each other.

In return, she gave me her bracelet "as a token on friendship" she said, "so you won't forget me." Melts your heart doesn't it? Me too.

And then there's these wonderful guys. :) They quite possibly made the entire trip. These are the interns that worked/goofed off/taught us throughout the week. They felt like they were from Chattanooga with us.

It made it a lot easier to talk to people on the streets once you see the three of them calling people by name with huge grins on their faces and giving them hugs. They truly care for the people they've met and understand the importance of the work that they're doing. They were so encouraging to me and just over all so sweet.

It's not hard to see Jesus in them...in fact, you can't help but notice it. They make me excited for college and the plans that God has for me during and after the next four years.

And this is our team after the week. Our last evening together in Atlanta. We all got so close. Many said this team was closer than previous trips our youth has taken to work with Pastor Andy and COTS. I was beyond proud of all my middle schoolers. Many of them were braver and bolder than I was. I know that Jesus is pouring His heart into our youth group and has amazing journeys planned for each one of these kids. I'm so blessed to have been able to share in this part of it. It's weeks like this where God says "This is why I've called you to teach, to travel, to lead."

Mom told me this morning that she can see how much they look up to and love me. It's bittersweet to hear that because I know that I haven't always been the best role model (who is) but I also know that all that I do and strive for is not in vain and that the Lord is already unfolding His plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).

So now I'm looking forward to college again. It's not going to be easy by any means. And I'm going to miss a lot of people. But it's going to be worth it and it's just another round of strength training before I put the big weights on and the hurricane really hits. :)

"Life is a marathon, not a sprint." -Mama Jean

Come Away

During camp this song spoke to many of us. It was during the song "Jesus Paid it All" that God told me to "go" and this was the song that Matt Papa played next.

This was the song that God used to answer my sweet seventh grader with a "yes" that she would be going to Honduras.

It was the song God used to call other friends overseas, one of them to the middle east.

The presence of God was so weighty at camp that you couldn't ignore Him even if you wanted to. :) This is what it means to be Devoted:

• to set apart for a special purpose
• to be dedicated to something completely
• to give all of one's self
• to abandon (to leave with no intention of returning) everything for the sake of something greater

And that's what the four of us (at least, I know there were more that I haven't heard about) resolved to do.

Genesis 12:1

Deuteronomy 6:5

Matthew 28:17-20

Community

So during camp I fell in love with many many many amazing girls. But this one in particular has a heart that God has knit together with mine. She started out a year or two ago as one of my sixth graders. And this year she'll be going into eighth grade. She's crazy. A true child at heart. But I love her. And it turns out that we're a lot alike. She was in my family group (a small discipleship group we have at camp) last week and I got to hear her pour her heart out and watch her worship and learn what it means to be "Devoted."

Our stories are very similar. Almost eerily similar. It's neat to see such a young beauty striving so passionately for the Lord. She has such a heart for musical worship, not to mention she has a fabulous voice, and I can't wait to see that heart of worship grow into one that loves the Word and service and prayer and all the other intimate meetings with Father.
We certainly do not act grown up sometimes. I'm not afraid to tell her I'm a dragon and roar and stuff. She understands. But we can also talk about our call to missions and what God is telling us or how He's teaching us.

I love all of my middle schoolers. And I praise God for being able to invest my time with them and to have learned and loved them so much. But this treasure is one that I will not be letting go of quite as easily. Maybe it's because I see so much of myself in her, or maybe it's because I see who I wish I had been, or maybe it's because I see that she is going to be one of those giant world-changers for Christ one day.
At camp last week, God told us both that we would be traveling to different places for missions. He loved on each of us and taught us about our earthly fathers as much as our Heavenly One. Jesus performed miracles before our eyes (together). And even if I never see her again after I leave for college. I praise God for forever knitting our hearts together and bonding us in only a way that He can.

This season in my life as far as relationship go is about teaching and leading. And I can't wait to see what God is going to do in this season. So exciting. :)

Command Me

So many things happened this week at camp, in my life and in the lives of my middle schoolers and even the high schoolers. So I think that I will post what happened at different times...unless I get carried away with myself.

First I think I'm gonna share what God is doing in my own life, just because if I don't get it out (again) I might explode. :)

Last week our youth group went to a Student Life camp in Alabama. The speaker was Chad Norris and the worship leader was Matt Papa. Everything that week was so God-ordained. Just thinking about it gives me chills.

The theme of the week was "Devoted" and Chad really stressed the love of the Father. He believes that unless we understand the core of who God is, we can't be devoted to Him.

The second full day of camp Matt was explaining the basis of the hymn we were about to sing (he always started off with a hymn) and said something like "if someone paid off a 40 thousand dollar debt to the IRS off for us we wouldn't say 'aw, thanks man.' we'd would fall down and be like 'command me!'"

So then we sang a song and that's exactly what I did. I said, "okay, command me, Lord." It was almost immediate when He said "Go" So I'm going to be going overseas for good.

The next night, during worship and throughout the service, God told me I'll be going to India. This wasn't some dramatic "camp-moment." It was just so matter-of-fact. There wasn't any crying involved. I just knew that India is where He wants me to go. So I said "yes" I laid it all down and said "I'll do whatever you tell me to do."

Last week I grew so close to my Papa. He's not just "The Father" anymore. And I can't get Him out of my head. It's knowing that I'm in His will and just living with Him. It's crazy stuff.

I've been reading through Isaiah...and it's pretty much "my book." Especially Isaiah 45. You should go read it. It's my calling and assurance that He is with me and is already preparing the way and equipping me for the job.

I'm so excited. I don't know what it's going to look like or what's going to happen but it's going to be crazy awesome. :)