New Book; New Quotations

The Book Thief  by: Markus Zusak

"No matter how many times she was told that she was loved, there was no recognition that the proof was in the abandonment. Nothing changed the fact that she was a lost, skinny child in another foreign place, with more foreign people. Alone."  p.32

"Somehow...he was able to appear as merely part of the background, even if he was standing at the front of a line. He was always just there. Not noticeable. Not important or particularly valuable. The frustration of that appearance, as you can imagine, was its complete midleadence, let's say. There most definitely was value in him..."  p.34

"Liesel observed the strangeness of her foster father's eyes. They were made of kindness, and silver. Like soft silver, melting Liesel, upon seeing those eyes, understood that Hans Hubermann was worth a lot."  p.34

"With a smile like that, you don't need eyes." p.58

"Trust me, though, the words were on their way, and when they arrived, Liesel would hold them in her hands like the clouds, and she would wring them out like the rain." p.81

"It's hard not to like a man who not only notices the colors, but speaks them." p.87

"She emptied the words out into the sink..."  p. 90

"'Saukerl,' she laughed, and as she held up her hand, she knew completely that he was simultaneously calling her a Saumensch. I think that's as close to love as eleven-year-olds can get."  p.144

"Where Hans Hubermann and Erik Vandenburg were ultimately united by music, Max and Liesel were held together by the quiet gathering of words."  p.248

"The sky is blue today, Max, and there is a big long cloud, and it's stretched out, like a rope. At the end of it, the sunis like a yellow hole...."  p.249

"The glittering anger was thick and unnerving, but she toiled through it."  p.262

"Now she became spiteful. More spiteful and evil than she thought herself capable.
The injury of words.
Yes, the brutality of words.
She summoned them from someplace she only now recognized and hurled them at Isla Hermann."  p.262

"Now she managed it. She fell silent.
Her throat was barren now. No words for miles."  p.263

"In truth, I think he was afraid. Rudy Steiner was scared of the book thief's kiss. He must have longed for it so much. He must have loved her so incredibly hard. So hard that he would never ask for her lips again and would go to his grave without them."  p.303

"She gave The Dream Carrier to Max as if the words alone could nourish him."  p.328

"Five hundred souls.
I carried them in my fingers, like suitcases. Or I'd thow them over my shoulder. It was only the children I carried in my arms."  p.336

"...the sky was yellow, like burning newspaper. If I looked closesly, I could see the words, reporting headlines commentating on the progress of the war and so forth."  p.336

"That was when Rudy stepped in, the eternal stepper-inner."  p.341

"The science of Papa's trade brough him an even greater level of respect... Competence was attractive."  p.356

"Max lifted his head, with great sorrow and great astonishment. 'There were stars,' he said. 'They burned my eyes.'"  p.378

"From a Himmel Street window the stars set fire to my eyes."  p.378

"A voice played the notes inside her. This, it said, is your accordion. The sound of the the turning page carved them in half. Liesel read on."  p.381

"One was a book thief. The other stole the sky."  p.381

"Just remember that the enemy here is not in front of you."  p.432

"With us, the enemy isn't over the hill or in any specific direction. It's all around."  p.432

"As the density subsided, the roll call of names limped through the ruptured streets, sometimes ending with an ash-filled embrace or a knelt-down howl of grief. THey accumulated, hour by jour, like sweet and sour dreams, waiting to happen."  p.435

"In the tree shadows, LIesel watched the boy. How things had changed, from fruit stealer to bread giver. His blond hair, although darkening, was like a candle. She heard his stomach growll-- and he was giving people bread."  p.440

"The word shaker, who could only just make out the man's sentences, replied with a whisper. She handed it down through the branches. 'No thank you,' she said, for she knew that it was only herself who was holding the tree upright."  p.448

"If nothing else, it alleviated the pain of simply watching. That's a horrible thought, she would write in her Himmel Street basement, but she knew it to be true. The pain of watching them. What about their pain? THe pain of stumbling shoes and torment and the closing gates of the camp?"  p.502

"The voice amazed her. It made the endless sky into a ceiling just above her head, and the words boyunced back, landing somewhere on the floor of limping Jewish feet."  p.509

"Somewhere inside her were the souls of words. They climbed out and stood beside her."  p.512

"That was you-- the boy with the hard fists, and you said you would land a punch on death's face when he came for you."  p.513

"He collected her punches as if they were presents. Her bony hands and elbows  were accepted with nothing but a few short moans. He accumulated the loud, clumsy specks of saliva and tears as if they were lovely to his face, and more important, he was able to hold her down."  p.515

"Together, they watched the humans disappear. They watched them dissolve, like moving tablets in the humid air."  p.515

This holiday season has been a whirlwind (quite literally today with this weather). Between funeral services and hospital visits I feel like I haven't been home at all. Maybe because I haven't really since in between has been full of errand running.

But part of me feels like this is what the holidays should be. Serving, loving, being there for one another. I mean it should be all the time, but what's better than during holidays that remind you to love and give thanks, right? Plus what other time of year are you allowed so much time off to just spend time to be together, and when you need it most; who could ask for more?

Then again, my heart isn't broken as so many are this year.

Oh, Jesus. How He speaks to His Beloved.

"Angel was a rare flower in a weed patch, something special. The others didn't like her because of it. And because Angel didn't mingle. She was self-possessed." (p.85)

"He wasn't worried about anything. Every inch of him told her he knew who he was and what he was about, even if she didn't. And she knew if she didn't get well and get away soon, he would end up taking her apart, piece by piece." (p.117)

"Don't go pinning your hopes on me, mister. I have my own plans, and they don't include you." (p.122)

"The walk had been good for her, but she was exhausted. Still, she didn't want to be inside. She dragged his chair out the door so she could sit in the open. She wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on her face. She wanted to smell the fresh air. A soft afternoon breeze played with her hair, and she could smell the earth, strong and rich. Her muscles loosened, and she closed her eyes." (p.122)

"He might as well have been invisible. She was so tightly wrapped in herself, her own misery and dark thoughts, that she was blind to everything else. Especially him." (p.128)

"She hated his competence. She despised his calm. She wanted to destroy both, and she only had one weapon she knew how to use." (p.129)

"The foulness was inside her, running in her blood." (p.132)

"He had not married her to have a drudge. He wanted a woman as a part of his life-- part of himself." (p.141)

"He wondered if he could even put it into words. 'I want you to love me,' he said and saw the derision in her ace. 'I want you to trust me enough to let me love you,, and I want you to stay here with me so we can build a life together. That's what I want.'" (p.150)

"'Are you crying? For me?' she said weakly. 'Don't you think you're worth it?' Something inside her cracked. She writhed inside to escape the feeling..." (p.152)

"She wasn't ready to listen to the why and wherefore. It would be acid, not salve. And so he held his silence." p.154

"He held her and looked into her eyes and was aware of her, and something deep within her shifted." p.157

"she had imagined him gloating and taunting, rubbing her face in her own broken pride. Instead he knelt before her and washed her dirty, blistered feet." p. 163

"Because, for some of us, one mile can be farther to walk than thirty." p.164

"He could feel the fear radiating from her. And rightly so. His rage frightened him." p. 195

"But he had seen and heart it-- for one brief, unguarded instant he'd known what she really felt. Relief. Relief so profound it stopped him cold." p.196

"She didn't understand him. She didn't understand him at all, 'why?' 'Because I love you.' he said thickly." p.197

"The anger vanished but not the hurt, not the sorrow. 'You are free. You just don't know it yet.'" p.198

"It was easier retreating into anger than seeing into her tortured soul." p.206

"She had cut herself wide open and poured her insides out to him the night he brought her home. Now she lay bleeding to death and wouldn't allow the healing to come." p.212

"Falling in love meant you lost control of your emotions and your will and your life. It meant you lost yourself." p.215

"He was not uneasy with the darkness or the sounds, and after a while, in his arms, she wasn't either." p.217

"You didn't just walk away and say things had never happened. they had, and they left deep, raw, gaping wounds. Even when the wounds healed, there were scars." p.254

"...you had to be like a stone because people would chip away at you, and that stone had to be big enough that they would never reach the very heart of you." p.265

"She had thought men like him were weak, but [he] wasn't. He was quiet and steady, unyielding, like a rock. How could he still look at her with anything but loathing after all she had done? How could he love her?" p.267

"You know, sometimes you can hurt yourself more by trying to keep yourself from being hurt!" p.269

"It suddenly dawned on them what they had done. Not to her. That didn't matter one way or the other. But to themselves." p.270

"Sometimes people became too caught up in the problems of day-to-day living to notice the pain in someone else." p.271

"You're a bird who's been in a cage all your life, and suddenly all the walls are gone, and you're in the wide open. You're so afraid you're looking for any way back into the cage again." p.275

"His dreams were becoming her dreams." p.278

"She destroyed his dreams, and he made her wind chimes." p.284

"As long as she was moving and working, she could hold the longing at bay." p.300

"She was so weak. It was a loathsome thing to face about herself." p.309

"There was something inside him that drew her like a moth to flame, but it was a flame that didn't scorch or destroy. It lit something deep inside her so that she felt she was becoming a part of him." p.318

"She was consumed with gratitude and filled with an aching humility that this man loved her. Why, of all the other women of the world, had he chosen her? She was so undeserving. It was inconceivable." p.344

"You have to die to be reborn." p.357

"She was so full of emotion she couldn't speak. His expression was so endearing, full of so much promise. she loved him so much she felt consumed with it." p.361

"'It doesn't matter,' he said over and over. 'It doesn't matter.'
Both of them knew it did." p.362

"She really loved him. And yet, there was something else in her moonlit face. A haunting sadness he couldn't take away, and emptiness he could never fill." p.368

"Stared that those aristocratic hands, hands without calluses, pale and manicured. Beautifully shaped hands that were capable of unspeakable cruelty.
She remembered [his] hands, large and strong, clearly used to hard labor. They were callused and rough. His hands had looked so cruel and yet been so gentle. His touch healed her body and opened her heart." p.405

"He drew back, looking down into her face...he thought his heart would burst. She was his. She belonged to him! He could scarcely take it in." p.409

"'God I think'...she felt jubilation-- and the presence of a power so immense she was trembling." p.413

"That voice had said My will, but all she had really done was the only thing that came into her mind" p.417

"You're eaten up with bitterness. You carry your hatred like a banner, waving it all the time." p.424

"They were both so beautiful it was hard to look at them. Light shining in the darkness." p.438

"She pushed the lace curtain back to stare out the window. It was raining. She couldn't breathe past the pain in her chest. Her eyes were on fire." p.448

"Forgiving others for what they had done to her had come far easier than forgiving herself." p.449

"The revelation was bitter and painful, but a relief, too. There was an odd sort of freedom in standing before a mirror and seeing himself clearly." p.450

"He bought you out of bondage with his own sweat and blood, and you know it. Don't tell me now you can't go back to him." p.452

"She struggled to control the tears that were so often near the surface lately. She would not give in. She couldn't. If she did, she would cry until she melted away into nothing." p.453

"All her carefully planned words fled. So many words to say a simple, heartfelt thing: I love you, and I'm sorry. She could not even speak. The tears that had been frozen inside her all her life came, and the last bastion melted away in a flood.
Weeping, [she] sank to her knees. Hot tears fell on his boots. She wiped them away with her hair. She bent over, heartbroken, and put her hands on his feet." p.461

Here We Go Again

For the first time in years I feel haunted by my past. Haunted because I fear that I'm going to/in the midst of/kind of want to re-live it.

That last part is what scares me the worst. I find myself thinking things like:

so why was that so awful again? What about it made me feel like the walking dead and so helpless inside? Did I really feel that way? And what was so great about being freed from that? Why can't I feel that again?

I don't think it's coincidental the music which chronicles then and now.

Then: memento mori by Flyleaf

Now: New Horizons and Remember to Live by Flyleaf

You'd think maybe God is trying to tell me something. Cause He's never done that before. :)

But honestly, I feel like I don't know who He is anymore. I haven't spent time with Him for so long. And it would seem that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Perhaps the spirit isn't willing enough.

I can't decide if I want to talk it out with someone or if that will only solidify it into my brain as I think it so often does. Also, the fear that comes with the thought of speaking it is incredible.

Now this all sounds completely stupid, even to myself. 

I wish I was as strong as my sister. I wish I was as independent as her. As loving and wise. I feel so daft, like such an Amy March all the time lately. I want to be a Jo again!

Allonsy Alonso!

Listening to: We Come Running by Youngblood Hawke

Line Obsession: "The word beautiful came to his mind, but he shook it off." -Bridge to Terabithia Katherine Paterson

I've had this question stuck in my head for about a week now, well longer than that but it's popped back up this week.

What is it that stirs you to create? What is it that you then create? Do you write, paint, dance, come up with plays in a game, sew, cook, sing/play music?

This week I went to some extra-credit thing for students with licensure tagged onto their majors. The speaker brought up the theory that to create is one of the highest levels of thinking and development. While I agree, I also thought of something Natalie Lloyd always says about how since we are made in the image of the creator we can't help but create.

It's bugging me though that I don't yet know what it is that I create. I've never felt "creative" and have always been dazzled by my siblings who are musicians and my friends who are artists. In fact, once I got to college I realized that nearly all of my friends can fall under one of the two aforementioned categories. And where do I fit in?

So I was talking to my friend about this after the lecture and she told me, "Allie, I think you create conversation. I mean look at us right now, we're talking about who knows what and you brought us here."

I want to be satisfied with that, I earnestly do. But I feel like anyone can create good conversation. I guess I just want to be able to create something that I can know will last....but I guess everyone feels that way deep down. Even Van Gogh did...which brings me to my next and nerdiest point.

I am having a completely irrational slight obsession with Doctor Who for the past two months at the moment.

But I can't very well help myself. David Tennant especially, but Matt Smith too are just too darn cute (and don't worry, Christopher Eccleston will always hold a special place in my heart, cause he was the first one I saw yada yada yada)



I mean, c'mon. He's such a comedian. Whenever I see him and Catherine Tate together it makes me nearly angry that I'm American and not British/Scottish. If you haven't watched The Decoy Bride go to netflix right away and watch it. The girl is the voice of Merida and then there's David Tennant as a goofy helpless British man, a far cry from the doctor.

My friend made a good point in saying that it's a completely godless show but I think part of the reason I'm so drawn to it is because the doctor is such a God/Christ figure. And nearly everything about him makes me want to rely on/root for him and I know he's already won no matter what. He loves fellowship, he's just yet merciful, and he feels so passionately about protecting the human race and realizes that we're completely daft.

Or maybe it's just because he's a wonderful character, such an old soul with so much life left. And also that it's just an adventure, because whether you realize it or not you are traveling with the doctor. You're one of his companions and you get to see all these species and places and get to become his dear friend.



Gracious me....

Anyway, would love to hear your take on the creativity subject, or doctor who, or whatever you're reading right now. (I'm in-between Man of Feeling [a proto-modernist novel from the 18th century for my Novels in English course] and Bridge to Terabithia [for children's lit]).

Just a Girl with a Broken Carpet Bag full of Dreams

Listening to: Wonder by Emeli Sandé

Line Obsession: "This light is contagious, go go tell your neighbors. Just reach out and pass it on."

I was watching Anne of Green Gables last night and even though Anne of Avonlea is my favorite I am always embarrassed and supremely empowered by Anne. She's so spunky and dreamy and human. She acts without thinking oftentimes and yet thinks so much that people think she's stuck in her imagination. But in reality we know her better than that. She's just being herself, even if she's not always confident in who she is. And that is something so rare and respectable.

People make me nervous. Especially people I only sort of know, they make me the most nervous. But I've done it before (stepping up to build relationships and lead when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing), I can do it again (The trick is to act before you can psych/rationalize your way out of it). It's just about remembering that living for God is way more thrilling and rewarding. Therefore, I can live even if I'm afraid, even with butterflies in my stomach I can step up and do something...or a lot of somethings.

Hasn't God already proved to me over and over that He enjoys to use me if I just let Him?! He proved that to me last year at school, He used me even as a freshman to impact the people around me. And He used me at camp to impact not just the campers but my fellow staff.

The more I watch people, the more I realize that no one will ever know how much 1)people look up to them, 2)of an imprint they leave on people's hearts, 3)change they lead

I'm starting to believe that no matter who or where you are that you matter and are a world-changer, even if you don't intend to. So more people should start living like it.

That's one of the biggest lessons I tried to teach my campers, especially since I had the older girls: be a good example because you're an example whether you like it or not.

That's not to say that I'm perfect, one of the biggest reasons I don't act is because I'm afraid people will see me mess up and it will ruin my testimony. How prideful of me! To think that anything I could do would sway the hearts of men more than God already is. Thus, reinforcing the assurance in being able to speak and act in spite of my fear.

Reading Between the Blessings

Listening to: Beautiful Things by Gungor

Reading: Joshua 13

"To the tribe of Levi alone Moses gave no inheritance. The offerings by fire to the Lord God of Israel are their inheritance, as he said to them."
-Joshua 13:14

"But to the tribe of Levi Moses gave no inheritance, the Lord God of Israel is their inheritance, just as  he said to them."
-Joshua 13:33

Both of these verses break up chunks of texts that basically read like "so-and-so got all of this land over here for all of their clans and Moses gave so-and-so all of this land over here for each family member" and all of a sudden it says "and Levi got nothing because God was their blessing."

From what I know the tribe of Levi were the priests so I'm thinking at first, hey that's awesome, these guys are so special that they get to see God's face even if that means they don't get any earthly blessing.

But then I started really imagining it and was like wait a minute. These guys have are now homeless because they have no land as an inheritance and Moses excuse is "the offerings by fire to the Lord are their inheritance." I would be a little discouraged if I were in the tribe of Levi. Don't get me wrong, I would be honored and humbled that I was a priest and able to enter into the presence of God but now I'm expected to represent everyone in all of the sacrifices and ceremonies and I don't even get my own house?!

Would I really be okay with that? Would I be able to be not only content but grateful?! Would I sing praises for my blessings, the one where all I have is God. Can I live with just God.

"Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God..."
-John 1:12

Jesus give me a heart of the Levitical priests. I want to be so honored to be given the privilege of a relationship with you, of coming into your holy presence, that I don't care what earthly things I do or do not have. 



It seems like I was saying nearly the exact same prayer this time last year as I prepared for school because I wasn't sure if I would have anyone to live in Christian community with when I got up there. I know now that You are there. But I also know that my battle is not over.

At school I am surrounded by people with money, with things, and I want to know that you are enough for me. I know it in my head, but I want my heart to live like it.

Heavenly Father, most beloved Creator, I surrender all that I have, all that I am, and choose you, above any other inheritance I choose a life with and for you, a life of sacrifice and worship offerings to you. Whatever this looks like, take me and use me for your glory. Burn up this life that I have and may it burn as incense that is so sweet to you.

I Said a Boom Chicka Boom

Listening to: Dead Sea, Classy Girls, and Ho Hey by The Lumineers

Line Obsession: “‎That’s what it means to be an American. To be free to love who and what you want, and to keep a lot in your heart at once.” Same Sun Here by Silas House and Neela Vaswani

This was my family for 7 weeks this summer. And I miss them. So much. These are people I celebrated with, interceded for, and goofed off with under the blazing sun and in the relief of air conditioning. 

I am so blessed to have gotten to live in such a powerful community with these people. It was a true (earthly) image of what the body of Christ is supposed to be. So I miss them dearly, but I know that it was great while it lasted and God taught me so much through each of them. I learned who I want to be and how to let God use me and what it looks like to grow. I was reminded of how far I've come and how far I still have to go in my relationship with Jesus.

The worst part is that most of these precious friends I will never see again. Now I'm not going to limit what God can do, but half of them aren't even from the south, let alone involved with the Salvation Army so who knows, perchance I we will one day have a grand reunion (before Heaven). 

But even if not, I think it's the neatest thing that all of us will share these memories for (hopefully) forever. And that for this one summer we all got to spend it together and each of our hearts now share that piece of our lives. That's what the quote at the top means to me. 

Leaving camp has been an adjustment here and it also makes me nervous to head back to school. I'm excited to catch up with old friends but I know that I've changed and I hope that they have too and well that makes things a little different. We each have our stories to tell from this summer.

But a big part of what makes me nervous is that I've spent so much time in such a tight Christian community away from the real world and I'll be going to school where well, it's not. So it's just a completely different atmosphere all together. I know it's where I'm supposed to be, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

Lazy Sunday

Listening to: Nate and Jesse jam in the CPV chapel on a Sunday afternoon.

We have exactly one week of camp left before I leave and I can't believe it. I feel like I'm just now getting to know people well and it breaks my heart to think that I will never see most of them again. However, I praise God for all of the conversations and laughs and time spent together.

Last week was the girl guards and rangers. It's basically the SA equivalent of the boy and girl scouts. The week was spent in classes earning badges about anything from swimming to hiking to team sports to native american lore. And the week ended with an Indian program where we all dressed up and performed and had a ball around the campfire. 

This precious girl had a really beautiful yet broken week. Tuesday night God began to work on her heart and tell her that it was time for her to get saved this week. Friday afternoon she received a letter from her mom saying that her father had committed suicide three days prior. Even though I had absolutely no way of relating to her God was present and gracious. My heart goes out to her especially but to all of my girls that I've had this summer.

I've made some awesome friends this summer and I know that these memories will last a while but that the lessons I have learned and the things I've seen God do will last forever. And the seeds that have been planted are far more than anything I could ever hope for. Camp Paradise Valley now holds a piece of my heart, the same way that India and Atlanta do and I will be forever grateful. I love how God continually takes me out of my comfort zone and guides me into growth with Him. 

This summer I learned and am thankful for:

• The power of the Armor of God
• what a healthy and effective Body of Christ looks like
• Never stomp on a wolf spider
• Sometimes all you have to do is laugh
• Sometimes all you can do is cry
• The only thing you have to have in common with someone is Salvation and passion for Jesus Christ
• Encouraging words come from the least likely of places
• Beauty is EVERYWHERE you just have to look with the right eyes (heart and body)
• God's presence is all over all the time
• No child is too young to "get it"
• Nature is one of the coolest and scariest things ever simultaneously
• Air conditioning is priceless
• Yearbooks are the best thing ever
• Camp is one of the coolest places for kids (myself included) to first encounter the living God.

Praise God for Camp Paradise Valley and my time here. I have no idea what next summer holds (and right now I do not feel lead to come back, although I would absolutely love to) and I am praying over my upcoming school year which makes me more than a little nervous to think about.

More CPV posts will come with time I'm sure. There's so much it's hard to sit and narrow down and write.

Eucharisteo at CPV

Thank you to Natalie for this new amazing music (I've been so isolated that recommendations are always nice) 

It's been a long time, but I've been at Camp Paradise Valley working as a counselor in the middle of nowhere KY. Literally, it's an hour and a half from wal-mart and 45 minutes from the Family Dollar. And this is home. I love it. I love the people that I work with and for, the kids that come through here (although most are extremely challenging), and the place itself and the way that God has shown up here.

The first week I was in a cabin with 9 year olds and all six of the girls in that cabin got saved. It was such a blessing and inspiring way to start off the summer. After that I moved cabins and have had 12 year olds since. There are different challenges to deal with: more hardness and scars. But it was such a God-move. I feel like I can relate so much better to and with the older girls.

I will make sure to post pictures.

What may be the coolest thing about the summer is that I've been reading the book One Thousand Gifts and the author made a list of a thousand things she was thankful for and she talks about how it changed her heart, slowed down time, and opened her eyes to the true meaning of grace and all of the blessings that truly are. So that's what I've started doing. And it definitely works:

1. Children's laughter
2. The breeze between my toes and through my hair
11. An unexpected encouraging word
15. Meaning without words or sound
16. Sand angels
22. How to Train Your Dragon swim trunks
31. Memories of Mama rocking me
33. An arriving bus
42. Intercession
44. Strong hugs (both given and received)
45. Fireworks and a basketball court full of kids
48. The playful banter between 12 year olds with southern twangs
53. Staff snacks
54. A piece of quiet before bed

And I'm certain my list will grow in the next week. My heart aches with the thought of leaving in a week. I don't feel ready for the real world. Everything is so easy here with a community of people all with the same goal in mind. Oh my gracious it's so easy to be living in the middle of this beautiful valley surrounded by godly friends and mentors and loving on kids who can't help their hurts. But I'm so so so thankful for all of the lessons that I've learned and all of the beauty that I've encountered. I really hope that I don't forget, but also that I choose to implement it instead of complaining about missing it.

What are You Waiting For?

"I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home. Jesus said to him, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'"
Luke 9:61-62

Man these verses hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. Because I'm about to jump into the next adventure God has for me, and instead of preparing for it I've spent my time missing my last adventure. It was a great adventure. And Jesus taught me so so so much through it. And I know they are memories to cherish for forever, but I don't need to wallow. I was there, and now God's taking me somewhere else, and that is a very good thing. I must choose to trust that my God is capable of handling what I was a part of. This:

These girls are just a couple of the most amazing people ever that I spent last summer, and the past three years hanging out with. I used to call them "my middle schoolers" although now they're starting high school. Crazy. And they're at camp this week and I've already seen and heard that God is doing incredible things up there. Which makes me miss them and wish I was there. But I know that they are becoming leaders now and I am so intensely proud of them. But I do wish that I was there to see it all first-hand. 

Which is why Luke 9:62 was a reality check. Next week I'm headed up to Burkesville, KY (don't ask, I have no earthly idea where it is, although I've been told it's the middle of no where). To work with kids all summer at a camp. And up until now I've been super extremely digging my heels in kind of nervous because this is something completely new for me and I have no idea what to expect. But then Jesus was like "who cares, I'm already there and you know this is what I've told you to do. Why aren't you letting me handle it and why are you so hesitant to grow and change?" I've always said I'm a sucker for change. But in order for that to happen I have to stop looking to the past.

I will never stop praying for my kids, I am so proud of them. But I must also begin to pray for my new kids at camp this summer and for my new peers and all of the adventures that are waiting for me in Kentucky. 

My summers are anything but routine and this year is no different. I don't know what's going to happen. But I know it's going to be great. And I know that even when I'm not there 24/7 I'm still leading my now-high-schoolers by example. So that they see me following God faithfully, trusting that He has the plan mapped out and taken care of all the details. I pray that they have the strength and wisdom to do so the first time God calls them. They're already so far ahead of where so many people my age are at spiritually, plus they're just so much fun. :)

A Book To Call My Own

Listening to: Of Men and Angels by The Rocket Summer

"Those rich Enders acted like they'd forgotten there ever was a war. I wanted to shake them and ask, Don't you remember?...It was a war, people. Nobody won. Not us, not the Pac Rim countries. In less than a year, the face of America changed to a sprinkling of Starters like me in a sea of silver-haired Enders, well off, well fed, and oblivious."
-Starters by Lissa Price, p.28

Bet you can guess that I started a new book. But I'm gonna hold off on the fan-girl gushing. Don't get me wrong, I've already fallen in love with it (I usually do in the first few chapters). But I've decided to take my love of books more seriously, more personal. Therefore, I'm waiting to see if this is a book that can be just mine, or whether its one worth sharing, worth the possibility of its being taken advantage of by less careful readers. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, I mean it's just a book, right?

And I realize that the most important things in life are worth sharing. But I'm going to be more careful in my sharing of books. Call me crazy, but I take it personally when I've recommended a book to someone, even let them borrow my own copy of it, and you give it back without reading it. Especially when it's a book that has meant so much to me and my heart. I don't care if you keep the book forever, but I gave it to you for a reason.

That's what I mean about being more careful with sharing my books. Like when I gave Syd a copy of There You'll Find Me. I knew it was perfect fit (book to reader) because she already loves Jenny B. Jones and she's spunky like Finley. We're a lot alike, Syd and I. So I know that books mean as much to her as they do to me. Our relationship is one of those that are once or twice in a lifetime. Circumstantially we seem similar in many ways, but she's so much stronger than me, not to mention years younger. And I am so proud of her. So I will share many books with her I am sure. Haha she's one of the first people to get me interested in Hunger Games about a year and a half ago. She's got fabulous tastes. ;)

How's your heart?

This is my favorite question both to ask and be asked. Because, well. It means a lot more than "how are you doing?" or something like that. I have answered this many times with tears and laughs and hugs and sometimes with just the nod/shake of a head. And sometimes that's all it takes. 

This question let's someone know just how much you care, how much you love. It says "Tell me everything and then some." This is the question of real relationships.

And this question makes me miss the ones that have come to answer this question with abandon.

People Are Important to Me

"You get the grace amazing." -Jimmy Needham

Oh how God is so good. Despite all of my human flaws, God reigns so supremely. 

I haven't been in the word nearly as much as I should be, nearly as much as I used to be. And still Jesus' light shines through. Still the Holy Spirit is able to take over my words and actions and use them for His glory. How worthy is the Lord that I worship.

These are the reasons that I am not a fan of groups of people. Because it doesn't ever truly feel real to me. Long car rides or hours of sipping coffee, those are the conversations that I remember. That quiet that feels free and not awkward. That silence that bonds two or three people together. That's when I feel like I know you, when I get to see the real you. Just us, no fluff. 

I've never been a fan of fluff. I don't like casual conversations. Tell me how your heart is and I know how to love you better, tell me "fine" and it makes things difficult.

I don't use the word family lightly. But this year/semester really my family has grown exponentially. And if I was completely honest that's one of the reasons why I don't feel ready for this year to end. Because I know that people/things change throughout the summer and when we come back things won't look like they do now. I'm afraid of losing this closeness with my family up here. There are some people that I know we'll only get closer next year. But as schedules change, along with minds that I'm afraid that maybe I'll be forgotten, even if it's just a little bit. That while my attachments to these people will remain, theirs will slowly fade until we get back in the fall and it's back to the shallow conversations and generalities.

Perhaps I am being completely ridiculous in feeling this way. I'm sure I am. I thought I was getting better at goodbyes, but for some reason this time feels super hard. Harder than saying goodbye to my biological family. And I feel a little bit guilty about that. 

Wanderlust All Over

Whenever I listen to this song my mind wanders and I long to curl up and read.


Tonight my gypsy heart is in a far off land (perhaps some place like the French countryside). Somewhere dreamy and sentimental with lots of good history, literature, and culture.




Maybe it's because I'm getting restless and I know there's change a'coming.

Okay

Listening to: Sailing Away by Standing Small

Line Obsession: "You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are." A Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I'm not yet sure how I feel about the whole of this book. It's deeply honest and moving and the characters while trying to be emotionally/mentally hard and strong are physically dying and I find beauty in this juxtaposition and the pathetic endurance going through the motions of these young lives. Lives that could be mine in a heartbeat.

Having said that. I freaked out this afternoon as I finally read something in this book that I could relate to on a personal level and not just a relational level. Hazel is at her boyfriend's funeral when she quotes Robert Frost's poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" (which is the one quoted by Pony and Jonny in The Outsiders) and anyone who knows me at all probably knows how much I cherish The Outsiders.

"It seemed to me that I had already seen everything pure and good in the world, and I was beginning to suspect that even if death didn't get in the way, the kind of love that Augustus and I share could never last. So dawn goes down to day, the poet wrote. Nothing gold can stay."
-A Fault in Our Stars p.277
John Green

Looks like Jonny Cade had it right when he explicated the poem. When you're young everything is gold and new and then you have to grow up and die and nothing gold can stay.

And that's when I knew I could appreciate Hazel Grace as a character. She's not a pessimist. She's a dying teenager who is surrounded by the reality of life (or lack there of) and the all too present reality of death. She has never truly known life or love (although she assumes she has) and how can we blame her for her reactions to life and pain (both physical and emotional). No, I'm not sure what I think about the book yet. I certainly don't always agree with Green or his characters and many of their thoughts and actions make my heart ache. But I think it paints a beautiful picture of what it means to be sick and that really, we are all sick. We all lives either in a zombie trance or angry and bitter and we are broken and not whole. We are missing legs and lungs and eyes and don't know how to live our best lives today even if we try.

Therefore, above all else this book has offered me magnificent insight into the lives of people around me in all sorts of walks of life. Hopefully it will now be easier for me to sympathize and discern how to help try to encourage those around me. This is one of those books that I would not necessarily ever choose to read again but whose lessons will be carried with me for forever.

There's a reason I adore books with terrible tragedies attached and that's because they tend to be more real, more understandable, more heartfelt. Who doesn't relate to the feeling of Hazel just being tired of being sick and just wanting to be held and for everything to go back to when life was easier and full of joy?

Hazel Grace makes me so angry most of the time and yet I cannot help but want to sit there and hold her hand and cry with her over the injustices of life and the loss of our most precious possessions.

Complex Wiring

Listening to: Run Daddy Run by Miranda Lambert and the Pistol Annies (From the Hunger Games Soundtrack)

Line Obsession: “She clenched her jaw, feeling the painful dryness of her eyes. A throbbing headache told her that she should be crying, that her sobs should match her sister’s."

Alright, I promised and I can't wait anymore to tell you guys about this book I'm reading.

This will be my first attempt at a more formal-ish book review so bear with me, even though I'm only 2/3 through the book. Are you ready for this?

I get it. It looks creepy and weird. And I've never before been into sci-fi futuristic stuff but this one takes the cake. It's book one (and only so far) in the Lunar Chronicles. Cinder is a pseudo-Cinderella story about a Cyborg (human with mechanical parts) in New Beijing sometime after WWIV. It's witty and suspenseful  and pretty relevant without boring the reader for being set in the future. There's two major plots being followed mingled with just enough heart-wrenching sub-plots for you to appreciate most of the minor characters and get a well-rounded view of the protagonists. I am so beyond happy to announce that this is unlike all those other Cinderella stories. 

Cinder, the title character and heroine, is strong and independent but also vulnerable and helpless. She doesn't have to be persuaded to do the right thing but she also struggles with what is truth. I so adore her as a character for her faithfulness to those she cares about (and even those she doesn't like as well but knows their lives are still valuable). She is real and honest about her frustration and confusion of her identity. And in a way this could be a coming of age novel, although some could argue that Cinder grew up long before the story began. Either way, this heroine is a treasure to behold. 

The story is an insightful satire of the modern media culture and the ease with which people can be persuaded to think and act according to the prejudices of others. And the subtle sparse humor is perfectly placed to add nervous laughter and sometimes real joy to the midst of the high tension anxiety that the characters are carrying.

There are plenty of plot twists, however they aren't too numerous. And while some may be fairly easy to guess before  hand the action that leads up to it had/has me holding me breath and hoping for the best (which usually never happens, often times I'm hoping for a main character to die or something just to make the story more realistic- but not this time).

I'm putting my money on Cinder. I would tell Katniss to hold on to her braid, but I'm gonna keep my mouth shut about Cinder for now and hope that it stays quiet for awhile. I like having a book to call my own that isn't famous among my community yet.

Mental Notes and Spanish Minors

Lovely Readers and Mental Self,

Remind me to blog about this new book and all of it's #Awesome-Sauce, because it's dripping with it. Haven't fallen in love with a book this quickly since...hold on this might take me a minute...maybe it was The Giver in 7th grade. Maybe it was Captain Underpants (do kids still read those, because when I say it I feel old). After googling possibilities for books I can't remember but am sure I fan-girled all over in middle school some shallow research I'm pretty sure one of the last books I fell in love so immediately with (after the first chapter or two and could not put down for the life of me) was Hatchet by Gary Paulsen.

Having said all of that...REMIND ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS BOOK, OKAY?! It's super important to me.

But I'm beyond exhausted and still rather sick, so I'm gonna go. Buenos noches. A mí me encanta el Kindle y lo leía. <-- More on that later too.

My First Academic Love

Call me crazy, but so far there's only one thing that I don't like about studying at a liberal arts school. The fact that my gen ed classes prevent me from doing what I truly enjoy doing: writing literature analyses.

I know, I know, it's extremely strange. Who on earth likes to write papers?! But it's one of the only forms of writing that I enjoy. It's like the lab for a science major. My good friend is in the TTU nursing school and the way she talks about the excitement and challenge of dissecting a lamb's heart or something is the way that I feel and talk about dissecting the words of Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper" or something. 

Literature allows me to combine my creativity and my logical at the same time. I get satisfaction in using my imagination to read the stories and also in exercising my intellect. I love pictures and symbols and being able to relate to them, to the author. 

In fact, I'm in the middle of a break from an 8-10 page paper on a 5 page short story: "I Stand Here Ironing" by Tillie Olsen.

It sounds like a difficult task but it's not really. Because there's so much to discover within the text. It's a new adventure every time you read it. With each read you better understand the author and characters and the text (usually whether you agree with it or not) becomes more and more dear to your heart. 

I've never been a writer, I don't trust my creative instincts enough. But I love to interpret. There's no pressure for perfection. I can be as outlandish as I want as long as I have evidence in the text. Plus it's a perfect avenue for discussion. I love that about my professors. I never feel pressure to come up with conversation pieces because I know we can always talk about what books we're reading and what we think about them.

I have friends who are music majors who talk about music in this way. It's more than just a form of expression or something to fun to study at school. It's almost a lifestyle. The way my friends hear music and musical patterns and counts everywhere they go is the same way that I see imagery and archetypes and compare people and myself to characters and situations I've read before. 

It's also one of the ways God shares things with me sometimes (through his crazy metaphors) and of course I just eat it up.

It makes me miss my sister. Who taught me to love literature. Who continues to hand me the best books ever. Who inspires me with her passion for writing. Goodness grief I love her so stinking much.

Why Miss Scarlet, I Do Declare.

Now Playing: Hands by The Almost :)

Reading: Jane Eyre (still) by Emily Bronte

Appreciating: the sound of thunder, flashes of lightening, and the rain being blown against my room window...feeling at home.

Today we were talking about patterns, in art, socially, and throughout the rest of the world. And I could not stop thinking about literature. Findings patterns, finding meaning, finding relevance this is why I read and study literature. And music is so similar.

It's my firm belief that the easiest way to find out what someone's heart to look at is to what music is on their "go-to" list and what book they are in the middle of or have just finished. Because the special thing about books and music is that they get stuck in your head, and consequentially in your heart. I love this, I think it's so neat how God has designed us that way, but I've also learned (with way too much experience) that we have to be careful about what we put into our heads.

In our conversation today I was reminded about a couple of books that I read my junior year in high school that I really regret reading. I know, who knew that an English Lit major would ever regret reading certain books. But they put so many images and philosophies into my head that will never leave now. And quite honestly, they didn't help me out of the state of darkness I was living in at the time that I was reading them.

The same goes for music, and that's something that the Holy Spirit often uses in my life as a compass to my heart. I can tell that when I start choosing to listen to secular music more and more that I should probably take a look at where my heart is focused because it means that I'm choosing something catchy with lyrics that oppose what I believe over worshiping my one and only Jesus Christ.

I know that's pretty blunt, but it's true. And I forget that a lot of times.

And as an avid lover of both books and music I'm often tempted by somethings that may be brilliantly crafted artistically but are created with a message that denies or curses my God (maybe not straight up but the message doesn't line up with what Jesus says) and I have to be careful. And I'll survive, there's still plenty of great works out there. :)

You Were Made For Something Greater

Now Playing: Run Daddy Run from the Hunger Games soundtrack

Living in the mountains does something. Never realized how Southern I am, how much weight this culture carries in my life until I came up here for school and was surrounded by it. It makes me miss my sister, and her cute accent and her similar love of bluegrass and mountain views.

But this place is good for another thing too. Being outside, being warm again, it's a tangible sense of this heart of mine that's thawing and blossoming along with the daffodils. Spring Break was hard, but good and definitely necessary. I had to make a choice, it's a choice that I've always had to and always will have to make but in putting it off for the past while I had ultimately chosen neglect.

But no more. How can I just ignore it, I refuse to continue to let myself sit on the sidelines and look the other way. If I'm not involved then what's the point? No, I'm pressing in and fighting back. I'm choosing to be resolved. To say 'yes' even when I don't feel like it. To die and become dependent, because I'm so over doing it myself. I don't like it. It's only fun until you realize that it means you have to take responsibility.

Living in light of my grace, not striving towards it. Now that's freedom.

Smaug lives under my Campus

"Growing up isn't always fun, but that doesn't mean you should ever let go of your dragon. No sirree bob, you just have to get up in the saddle, hold onto its wings and hoop and holler the way you do on a roller coaster. And if the smoke gets in your eyes, just cry a little, wash it out, and start again. :)"
-Fighting Dragons in a Kilt Post from 04/18/11


Just re-read this in one of my posts from last April. It was a good reminder. 


I don't think I realized how much God was preparing my heart for the things I'd face here at college. But do we ever?


I feel like I'm missing out on some major preparations right now. And that's mostly my fault, for letting excuses and life get in the way of my time with Jesus. 


Recently I haven't felt as sure as I did before school and at the beginning of the semester. I don't feel like I've grown any and that breaks my heart, because it means that I'm probably going backwards. I know it doesn't have to be this way, I have a say in which direction I move, and that gives me hope and motivation. 


I'm such a different person than when I arrived in the fall, yet, there's so much that I look at and cringe because I remember it from my past and I don't like it. 


Praise God for grace. Thank Jesus for new mercies. All glory to the Lord most high for redemption and clothes of righteousness. This is my identity. This is where I now choose to stand. Resting in the salvation and love poured out by my heavenly Father. 


"Not by might, or by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord." -Zechariah 4:6


Jesus, I surrender my life. I don't want this self-righteousness, these works. I just want to love you. I want more of you God, more of your heart, your vision, your passion, your love, you power, your words, your hands and feet. Yes, Lord, yes to whatever your will may be, yes I will listen to/for you, yes I will obey swiftly and with a glad heart, yes you have my heart completely. 

Life in Grandeur

Now Playing: Sometimes by David Crowder Band

Sometimes I forget things. Adventures are great, they are fun and scary and require lots of faith. And honestly, I go back and forth between wanting too much for adventure and being comfortable.

This morning I was reading in Mark 5 and came across this treasure:
"As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him. ¹⁹ And he did not permit him but said to him, “Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”²⁰ And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled."




And it hit me right in the heart. I've been so busy traveling to different conferences lately and I usually dread coming back to campus because I know I will actually be tested and have to put into practice what I've learned and I really want to, but that just sounds exhausting to me. But it's something I've been commanded to do: "go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you" to be a light here and now where He has placed me.

I know that there is adventure here as well and that I'll miss it unless I keep my eyes open and focused on those around me.

I don't want to forget how important my time is. I do not want to waste what time I've been given here and now by "waiting" for what's in the future. So instead of doing the same thing that I have always done, I am choosing to be bold and serve actively. While I anticipate the future, I will not depend upon it. All I have is the here and now with my Jesus and I am resolved to make it something grand.

Good Gifts Indeed

Now Playing: The Reckoning by Needtobreathe

Tonight during (as in, in the middle of) Intervarsity, I was surprised with cupcakes, the sweetest card, and hugs from some of my closest friends. This is only the second time I've ever had a surprise for my birthday (I believe) and the first time was last year. I was surprised by the most precious middle schoolers with cupcakes and the best present EVER! Tonight made me really miss those guys, my heart hurts to no be able to hug and talk and be goofy with them. But I know God is in their midst and working on something crazy awesome. Oh how I miss them....

I've been thinking lately about how awesome it is that God gives us very similar friendships at different times in our life (or even the same time and in different places). Friends that are our mentors and hold us accountable, friends to laugh with and keep us sane.

This is NOT to say that these relationships are interchangeable or that one is replaceable. NO, I need each one of these people in my life for different reasons and I cannot imagine not having had them in my life when they were there, and even now.

For instance: I have two "Mama's". Well, I have my Mom, my Marmie who I love like no other. But I also have those mentors who you swear adopted you, and they would admit to that too. Back in Chatt there's Mama Jean, who is so precious to me and has listened and let me cry and made me laugh. We've traveled together and she's been ever so gracious to let me into her home and try to help mentor one of her sons. And up here in Maryville I've got Caroline, my Korean Mama. Who is equally as precious with whom I talk and laugh and cry and, yes she let's me into her home and befriend her only daughter and (I'm not sure if she's knows this yet or not) but pretend to "mother-hen" over her youngest boys.

Then there's Sarah who is an artist and although we have such different ideas and opinions and see things from completely different perspectives she is my girl. In a sort of way Katelyn is. Of course they are polar opposites as far as personality and background (hahahaha) but the way our hearts are knit together is very similar.

There's Grady who reminds me so much of my brother, except for the fact that I love my brother waaaaaay more and I will forever be closer to him. But they act very similar and often times hanging out with Grady makes me miss Micah and oh so thankful for the relationship that we have with each other now. I adore my siblings, but Micah and I are closer to each other and I'm more than okay with that.

Even Dr. Schneibel reminds me of Dr. Renneisen and I'm so thankful for the fellow lover of literature. Someone who I know will challenge but not discourage my studies and desire to teach such a dynamic subject.

I just think it's neat how God says, "I know you so much better than you know yourself. And sometimes you need certain types of people in your life." He's given me so many more people in both places that are not on this list because they are just one of a kind, or because our friendship is just crazy haha.

But what I know is that I am so overwhelmed by the people that God puts in my life. Sometimes I think that I rely on them too much. But God is gracious and my heart is always drawn towards Him. My Father gives GOOD gifts, indeed. :)

Thoughts for a Blustery Afternoon

Listening to: After the Storm by Mumford and Sons and the wind howl and rage outside my wall of windows on the 3rd floor of Davis Hall

I look out of my windows and see the big pine tree bend and sway, each branch dances (whether out of joy or fright I'm not yet sure) and in the distance there are mountains. The mountains look so picturesque with the sun behind them creating a halo-effect. 

I've said this before but of course I'll say it again, I love the wind, like you have no idea. If I could stand in the midst of a hurricane or tornado just for the wind, I might. Because just before the storm hits, everything stops. The animals and people get silent and it gets harder to breathe as the humidity rises and the wind picks up. You know something's coming. It's that heart-stopping moment of joy combined with curious anticipation.

I was journaling this morning about how I feel the same way. And now that I think about it, this feeling has been going on for awhile.

That feeling before the storm. You know something is coming. You see it in the clouds, hear it from the birds, and as the wind continues to grow fiercer you feel it in your heart as it beats rapidly. You don't know what to expect so there's the curiosity, but yet you know that whatever it is is something powerful, something worth waiting for so you wait eagerly. The spirit can feel it. God is doing something, it's coming. I'm not sure what it is, but I want to be caught up in the middle of it for sure.

You know that scene in Disney' Pocahontas (maybe you don't) where she sings Colors of the Wind and the wind and leaves are whipping around her?

Yeah, that's kinda what I feel like. Except, a lot cooler cause I never really liked Pocahontas. Anyway...

That's what the wind always reminds me of, especially during tornado season. That's one thing I love about living in a valley, the wind. It reminds me that the spirit is always moving. And that He is powerful. And that I'm not the only one who understands. And that I am safe in His arms.

Re-Learning the Same Old Lessons

Now Playing: Revelation Song

"Immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him."
 -Matthew 4:22 (ESV)

Recently I've caught myself a lot been convicted by the Holy Spirit a lot of just how often I claim my career or major as my identity. Whenever people comment on what I say or how I communicate I attribute it to being a teacher or an English major. Which is great, God has placed those desires and talents in my heart.

But those things aren't what defines me. I am called by a different title: Princess, Treasure, Warrior, Servant, Lover...

So tonight at small group, when a dear friend stated the possibility of God demanding us to leave everything we have placed our identities in (as Matthew 4:22 says) I immediately said "No" to the Holy Spirit. It's hard to think about giving up everything you've worked so hard for and have looked so forward to for so long.

I use the excuse, "but I just can't imagine myself doing anything else. Surely this is what I was made for." But according to Urbana '12, I was made for something greater. And only God knows what I will be doing, what He'll be doing through me.

I am so thankful to God for the truth that He has spoken through my friends recently and for the unquenchable thirst for Him that He has placed in my heart. Even when I try to live out of my own works, I feel that tug on my heart, my spirit cries for something deeper, for truth, for real power. And I'm so so so grateful. Like the prodigal son who sees His Father waiting anxiously for His return. Because I am so in love with Him, I'm not content with a long-distance relationship. I need Him here and now. He's the beau waiting with flowers as I step off of the plane.

And now I've gotten onto a tangent...but I usually tend to do that. Once you start praising God for who He is, you can't stop. Worship is such a powerful thing. Because He deserves it, oh how He deserves it.

Lord, I want to live a life of worship. May your praise never leave my lips. I so badly want to get back to the time we used to spend alone together. Show me how, open my eyes to the opportunities I have to spend with you. I don't want to keep ignoring them. I need you, Jesus, my Love.

Remember

Recently I've been so concerned because I could see myself getting more judgmental and condescending and gross. Something was in the way of seeing people the way Jesus sees them, of loving them with reckless abandon and great compassion.

Tonight I watched Furious Love (Warning: not for the faint of heart...seriously). But it reminded me that God's love is bigger than me. It's meant for more than me. And yet, He loves me.



The movie reminded me of people like Jennifer, who want God but feel "stuck."

It reminded me of people like Larissa, who know what it means to be loved after knowing the pain of abandonment.

Furious Love reminded me that there's no way I deserve God's love, but that He doesn't care about any of that.

It reminded me of what my dear Sarah once said. The reason God's love is so unconditional is because God. Is. Love. It's not like He can run out of it or stop it, because it's who He is, it's not something He feels or has or does.

Now Listen to THIS!

And love is the most powerful thing we have. Love is what died for us, love is what heals us. Love transforms us, love empowers, love conquers, love unites.

"There is no fear in love, but dperfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not abeen perfected in love." 1 John 4:18


Because God is love, I won't be afraid. I can free the nations with you on my side! It's no coincidence that God loves me and that His love is power. He commands me to love others (because He first loves us) so that His power can be displayed, so that His love can change lives. There's a bigger picture here, a selfless one that I've been missing for awhile. Why would I fear when I have something so... perfect.



"Our soul waits for the LORD; 
   he is our help and our shield. 
²¹ For our heart is glad in him, 
   because we trust in his holy name. 
²² Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, 
   even as we hope in you." 

Psalm 33:20-22

My God, do NOT let me get any more comfortable. Shake my world, open my eyes and heart and hands to the mind-blowing, earth-shattering love that you have, that you are. There is something huge coming, we can see it. Prepare us, use us, mold us, Great Potter. Break EVERY chain. Let no wall be left standing. 

The Job You Want

Let's start off with some fun, shall we?

You ever have one of those moments where you're surrounded by such genuine friends that you mentally step back a minute and think "is this real? Of course this is real. How on earth did I get so blessed?!" I've had quite a few of those moments this week.

So that now when I'm alone for the weekend I get to step back and remember that this is only 2/3 of my life. I have an entire family back home, not to mention all of the other friends, or even still the friends that have gone their own ways as well. It's a strange feeling: to remember.

It makes me laugh/cringe to think that things will change again. That flippy-floppy feeling of wanting the better things to come but feeling content with things as they are. I can't say I regret moving on in life. Nope, it's been nothing but great awesomeness.

So then, I'll remember that now. I do not regret moving forward. And I am seeking forward with Christ, closer to His heart.

"In your presence God, I'm completely satisfied. For you I sing, I dance, rejoice in this divine romance. Lift my heart and my hands to show my love, to show my love." -Divine Romance by Phil Wickham

I'm so thankful for the friendships God's provided. Thankful that I'm finally able to feel like I am a piece of the group and not just "the new kid" or "the younger tagalong" or something ridiculous like that. I have friends who have things in common with me and have similar goals/ideals. People I can relate to and that can relate to me, even if they don't really know it yet. People who will be honest with me, hold me accountable and I won't feel attacked or belittled.

But I think the thing that has meant the most to me is that these people include me and seem to truly appreciate me, even if I was the awkward creepy one at first. ;)